Priest: so you want hear more about ‘the damnation’?
Beaver: yes please.
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My knight in shining armor comes in liquid form.
Me: [stuffs sock down trousers before date]
Date: Wow your knee is huge
My office has started random urine testing of employees to detect traces of hope or optimism.
So last night me and my husband went to a bar for our one month anniversary and did a lil sexy role play as strangers on a first date.
Later a woman pulled me aside in the bathroom to say “sorry but I was watching… It is so funny how much you hate that guy and he has no idea.”
Saw Billy Joel trending and thought they finally found evidence of arson
In Russia, Pokemon find you.
Made eye contact with a dude walking his dog while I was taking a sip of water from my bottle. The cap was still on. We both noticed.
Please respect my privacy during this difficult time.
I let my kid stir the pancake batter and now he keeps asking for the whisk-y, going to have a lot of explaining to do at preschool
“Say TGIF ONE more time” I say, scowling at my coworker with no children, “Go ahead, say it again.”
I don’t understand why people get excited about carbon dating.
But then perhaps I just haven’t met the right pencil.
I’m glad we evolved from apes. If we evolved from chameleons, we’d constantly be walking into each other.
My dad hates spicy food, but he loves the show Hot Ones, which I imagine he watches like a horror movie. “No! Don’t eat the next wing! It’s a trap!”
Our neighbour always gets my wife’s name wrong, so she started doing the same to him. She apologises and says English names “are challenging to remember” and “am I saying it right?”. His name is Ken
I got locked out of my house after having dinner at an Italian restaurant. I had gnocchi.
I thought I was getting myself a new couch but apparently I was getting my dog a new bed
[First date]
Her: i’m a criminal lawyer, what do you do?
Me: really, well it just so happens that I… (trying to impress her) …am a criminal
I’m following around cop cars all day to let them know how it feels.
I wore a baggy sweatshirt and leggings to Walmart and before I knew it, I was being wrapped in a blue vest while employees chanted, “One of us! One of us!”
pillsbury doughdad: [turning oven down] put a dang sweater on if you’re so cold, you naked moron
My parents are 75 and 84. My son & I do frequent drive-by visits to make sure they have what they need. Today, I guess they needed to party.
It’s interesting growing up and learning that most adults are not smart. I had my suspicions as a kid but I didn’t think the situation was this dire.
If you’re not happy single you won’t be happy married. Happiness comes from eating potatoes, not from relationships.
No matter how many times he was killed by their products, Wile E Coyote remained loyal to the ACME brand. You’ve gotta respect that.
Those turkeys presidents pardon? HUGE campaign donors.
[chamber of commerce]
harry potter: i’m sorry i think i made a wrong turn
Sorry waiter for pushing you over when you asked me to tip you
if you tell me to watch until the end, the end better be in five seconds
You know when people wear 2 t-shirts at once and they look trendy and it looks really good on them well when I do it people are like “hey did you know you’re wearing two shirts”
Red light : Stop
Yellow light : Proceed w/ caution
Green light : Wait till everyone hates you then go
Waldo has a tough time at the gym because no one spots him