It took me three decades to become an overnight success.
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Congratulations to the sweater, another year of being the most disgustingly named piece of clothing.
Her: I’m leaving you
Me: But i thought we were happy
Her: You’d rather make stuffed animals out of pastries than spend time with me
Me: You leave eclair bear out of this
Me: gets up, wakes kids, empties dishwasher, makes lunches, helps make kid beds, does kids’ hair, makes breakfast for everyone, showers, makes coffee, does laundry
Hubs:
You can buy a 48-pack of referee whistles on Amazon for $8. Give them to the kids of people you hate.
Melted butter is an essential oil, right?…..right??
I could tell you the story of breaking my arm sledding but be warned, it goes downhill fast.
19: ‘Um, is it weird that the milk just backed away when I reached for it?’
Me: ‘It’s fine.’
This might be the most wholesome advice column question I have ever seen
Me: What’s a que and why are you against it?
Antique dealer: …What?
Daughter: goodnight Mama.
Wife: goodnight.
Daughter: goodnight Dada.
Me: goodnight.
Daughter: goodnight Moon.
Me: [high pitched voice] goodnight.
Daughter: the moon doesn’t sound like that.
Moon: yeah I don’t sound like that.
If Vanilla Ice was a priest:
🎶If you have a sin, yo, I’ll solve it / read the Good Book while my DJ absolves it! 🎶
FUN FACT: A collection of Russell Crowe movies is called a murder of movies.
Bond sequel idea: His license to kill is downgraded to a license to hit people with his car but not so badly that they die
GENE SIMMONS: What is it about me that makes people think I’m gross?
“Hygiene”
SIMMONS: Hi. Now answer my question.
A wise man once told me,
“Sir for just 50 cents more, you can add cheese to that”
Opening a smartphone is the new walking into the kitchen.
“Why am I in here again?”
Me: I could totally be a bad boy… if I wanted to
Her: Please… you won’t even break the traffic laws in video games
[commenting under wife’s facebook status where she thanks everyone for coming to our son’s bday party] do we have any mustard?
The voices are having a huge argument tonight, I’m just hoping to fall asleep before the rational one drags me into it.
At the chemist and there is a man asking for a cream to get rid of his daughter’s nightmares, and the sales attendant is so resignedly repeating, “Sir, please, listen to what you’re saying”.
Only in Canada during a winter storm will you see kids playing road hockey.
CDC: Stay safe by washing your hands
ENTIRE WORLD: *washes hands obsessively*
CDC: Also brush your teeth
WORLD: *brushes teeth frantically*
CDC: And take out the garbage
WORLD: Wait what?
CDC: Go make your bed
WORLD: Stop it
CDC: That bedroom of yours better be clean
mfs take one picture in a suit then start posting quotes about success, just go to the wedding bro
All of these people are screaming like they’ve never seen someone revving a chainsaw on a public beach.
I carry a bar of soap in my pocket so when someone tries to talk to me I can pull it out and say someone is paging me and leave.
Music with headphones while vacuuming is not a good idea.
I just finished the whole house and the vaccum wasn’t even plugged in.
When you smile and laugh and pretend you heard a word they said.
~ Night club conversations and marriage
Only way I’d want to see a jam band is if they were accompanied by a peanut butter orchestra.
Word of advice to all the babies readying to leave the womb: Don’t.