When I say, “No problem,” I mean, “YOU REMEMBER THIS FAVOR FOREVER.”
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Who knew that a fighter jet could be a flight risk?
Still cracks me up
when my nephew says the bad word i taught him:
my ex boyfriend’s cousin’s girlfriend just followed me from her alt Instagram account . I’ve still got the juice 😎
BRITISH PEOPLE: so, shoe sizes go up in halves to 13 and then start again at 1. Women’s clothes go up in 2s but using only even numbers. Height is in feet made up of 12 inches and weight is in stones made up of 14…
ALIEN: are there any smarter animals we can talk to?
Just saw a touching BP commercial where BP congratulates BP for doing some of what BP was legally required to do after it wrecked the earth.
Auditioning for a commercial:
Me: Mmm. So delicious. I don’t believe it’s not butter.
Director: Cut, cut! It’s can’t. The word is can’t. Ok? And action.
Me: Mmm. So delicious. I don’t believe it’s not can’t.
friend: you should be more spontaneous
me: *opens planner* when?
i hate when people wait in the chat as u type… mf can i get some privacy??
Fun thing to say to your neighbors on the first meeting: I love the way your hair smells when you’re sleeping.
Geez ONE crystal champagne glass gets broken and I’m not allowed to use them in the cat obstacle course anymore
4 out of 5 dentists agree: kill a lion.
Detective: I need to dust for prints, but I can’t find my kit.
Me, eating Cheetos: Here’s a wild idea…
[homocide scene]
DETECTIVE:”my god, in my 25 years on the force i’ve never seen a dead ghost.”
COP:”sir?, we covered the body with a sheet.”
What the world needs now is
a. love
b. sweet love
c. a category in IMDB that gives you a visual height comparison by actor for a given cast in a show
If I’m so smart, explain to me why I can start the washing machine then five minutes later wonder where that running water sound is coming from.
FYI fellas: if u wake up with some chick and u can’t remember her name, take her to Starbucks. They’ll write her name on the cup for ya!
Guys, if you want to make a girl moan, tremble, and scream: be a spider.
Cat: flake of pill in two pounds of fresh tuna? Refused.
Dog: pill the size of a grill wrapped in american cheese? No problem.
Girls, your friends lied when they said chopping your hair off looked cute. They are just happy that their man wont want to bang you
[first date]
HER: So, do you have a 5 year plan?
ME: Yes. Well, the beginnings of one.
HER: How far have you gotten?
ME: I’ve decided what I want for dinner.
If your kids are playing and it gets totally quiet, then you hear one say “you’re okay, you’re okay,” they are definitely NOT okay.
Hubby wanted to start the new year out with a bang – So I shot him..
Them: Yeah my cat is completely happy being vegan
Cat:
History: delete
Pics: delete
Texts: delete
Kik: delete
“Why yes, you can use my phone for a second.”
I’m at a point in my life where I admire the majestic full trees in my yard and marvel at the amount of leaves I’ll need to rake.
I don’t like who I become when an online form expires in the middle of me filling it out.
I left my kids with a list of things for them to do today because apparently I like to be optimistic & disappointed at the same time.
Omg, autocorrect! For the millionth time, I don’t hate all those birches…
It’s easy to tell hedgehogs from porcupines. Porcupines aren’t blue.