All parents want is for our kids to go to bed so we can watch a show with bad words in it and eat the hidden snacks.
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Blinded by the light is really just a song about turning the bathroom light on in the middle of the night.
Geppetto: So, I know this is literally the first day you’re alive, but Imma need you to go to school
Pinocchio: WTF, dude?
Have you ever thought about how weird it is that one of your hands is dumber than the other?
Actual warning I saw in a pamphlet:
“You may be at risk for throat cancer if you have a throat or mouth.”
Oh shit….
Interviewer: So, why do you want to work here?
Me: Well, I don’t really want to “work” here, per se…I just really need the paychecks.
Based on the TV shows I watched as a kid I was expecting a lot more pies to the face by this point in my life.
The fortune teller flips over the tarot card and looks confused.
You lean forward to sneak a glance. “Is— Is that a flaming dumpster?” you ask nervously.
Forget spiders, I’ve incidentally consumed at least a kilo of dog hair.
I found out why my computer keeps freezing. Apparently I’ve got too many windows open.
While I totally believe ghosts exist, I seriously hope they don’t because I don’t want to go to the afterlife and meet someone that is like “oh when I was a ghost I watched you practice fake eating for an hour.”
Just caught a glimpse of myself naked –
Apologies in advance to my coroner
You can just give us the recipe, bloggers. We don’t need a 3,000 word dissertation about everything you’ve done in your life up until the point you put this food in the oven.
A watch that gives my dentist a little shock every time I floss.
*at bank*
I always think it’s funny when I go to the bank because my last name is Banks
Teller: “haha. First name?”
*Pulls out gun*
Robin
my father died in a conga line and so shall i
[scene of wreck]
cop: do you want an ambulance
me: no I’ll probably just buy another car
Interviewer: describe a time when you were asked to do something you were uncomfortable doing and you declined
Me: no
No thanks, social drama. Puberty sucked enough the first time around.
*walking into store*
Him: You need a cart?
Me: No, I’m just getting 2 things.
Him: *rolls eyes, grabs cart*Marriage level: Expert
A Tinder style app that helps parents find other parents to drink with
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: No idea. I pretty much just zone out whenever I’m behind the wheel. Did anyone die?
Ain’t no panic like when you think you’ve misplaced your driving cheese.
Your parents taught you to wash your hands after you pee. My parents taught me not to pee on my hands in the first place.
That awkward moment when the zombie looks for brains and walks right by you
Test results are in, you might want to have a seat
“I’d rather stand”
Are you sure? You have “Falls Down When Gets Bad News” disease
*Thud*
*alien probing me
Me: Ok a little to the left
Alien: I SAID STOP THAT
Me: Eat your dinner.
6: But my belly hurts.
Me: Okay then you can go lay down but no treats or snacks later.
6: But I’ll feel better then.
ME: I sit when I pee. What’s the big deal?
JELLYFISH STING VICTIM: Nothing I guess.
Me, alone in a soundproof room within another soundproof room: *slowly and carefully tears open candy wrapper*
Kids: WHATCHA EATING?!?
My dream is to witness a brawl in a McDonald’s and then be the first guy to try to order after things die down.