My work day –
8:00-11:30 – wonder what I’ll eat for lunch today
11:30 – 12:00 – eat lunch
12:00 – 4:30 – Damn lunch was good.
You Might Also Like
Tried on a pair of skinny jeans and I looked like a full cereal bag that you’re trying to force back inside the box.
Women are too difficult, I’m gonna marry a poptart
You should be able to mute someone in real life. Annoying coworker? Silence them for 24 hours by booping them on the nose!
“I’m taking condiments in a bold new direction” I whisper as I squeeze a tube of toothpaste on my hot dog. The dentists all cheer for me.
Me: I just used my debit card to buy some running shoes.
Coworker: New Balance?
Me (turning red): Fourteen dollars & 23 cents.
BOOGEYMAN: lauraaaaa…wake up I’m gonna EAT YOU
ME: [wakes up] finally
BOOGEYMAN: what?
ME: let’s do this
BOOGEYMAN: it’s not fun if you want it
ME: look buddy either eat me or get out i have to be up in an hour
BOOGEYMAN: s..sorry [leaves]
Coworker deserves an Oscar for how hard they pretended to work on this project. 😒
Felony is a beautiful name for a girl
Every motorcycle cop is a liquid terminator until proven otherwise.
The Friday File.
detective: where’s that footage from the silo robbery?
me: i deleted it.
detective: why?
me: it was all grainy.
My favorite form of cardio is racing around trying to hide the evidence of my snacking as my husband walks into the room after his workout
I just read a thing that said I should compliment myself on my decisions, regardless of outcome. No thanks, I’m not the government.
I hate when I’m checking out a bag of chips, and the guy standing in front of it, thinks my lustful gaze is meant for him.
Imagine being 5 minutes from the end of the longest movie ever & it starts over because it forgot something. That’s my kid telling a story.
If you find my upper lip mole sexy, wait till you see the dark spot on my MRI.
I hate when I go to Subway and they barely put any toppings on.
When I take a bite, I want it to look like I went head to head with a garden, and won.
Not even remotely sorry.
(car dealership)
Me: Cargo room?
Salesman: No, car go outside
ME: I was at the laundromat washing my unmentionables, and-
HER: You mean your underwear?
*The fabric of the universe starts to tear*
ME: You fool! What have you done?!
A level of petty I can get with 🤣
“In case of emergency break glass” Who do you think I am? Some sort of karate expert? I can’t even open a Cheetos bag.
Sarah Palin’s new Christmas book is her attempt at valuing the sanctity Christmas so she can sell books and make money just like baby Jesus.
How dare the delivery guy ring my doorbell and disturb me with a package that I ordered.
“I’m great in bed” ~ breakfast
I always act like I’m so much better than fantasy protagonists but lets be honest I would 100% touch the book of forbidden secrets, even if it did mean accidentally starting the war of the unclean and maybe also releasing the queen of spiders from her endless slumber
Kale is made of old hotel shower curtains.
Change my mind.
Gordon Ramsay as an art judge:
*Throwing crayons
This “drawing” isn’t worth the paper it’s printed onBabies crying everywhere
We leave the TV on for our dog when we go out. Yesterday my wife left on the Bravo channel and they were showing a marathon of The Real Housewives of New Jersey. He now starts meaningless fights with other dogs in public and has a drinking problem.
I’m just a girl, standing in front of a wood chipper, rented under a fake name