I mean, technically aren’t we all “foodies”? I’ve never met anyone who’s like “nothing for me waiter, I’ll just photosynthesize”.
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She was rare, like a goth carolling.
I took my kids’ screens away so we could spend some quality time together and it turns out they are really terrible to be around
This is my emotional support chloroform rag
My daughter returned from a birthday party without bringing me cake. She said they didn’t even have cake. They had cupcakes. And they were the mini ones. And they got one each.
This is not a birthday party, it’s a horror movie.
The worst design flaw of the human body is your asshole being able to perceive spicy.
I bought my friends an elephant for their room.
They said: Thank you.
I said: Please don’t mention it.
Me: *puts six steaks on the grill*
Wife: Don’t you think that’s too much? It’s just us and the kids.
Me: Wait, you guys are eating, too?
waiter: *murdering me*
me: [after ordering the not getting murdered] no no this is fine
Go to a botanical garden? Haha, yeah, okay. Like I want to pay money to walk through a giant salad
not a day goes by that i don’t think about dying and then accidentally getting sent to squirrel heaven
I hate being the walking dead.
I wish I could be the driving dead.
Even the bus riding dead would do.
The house has to be spotless so the AC repair technician isn’t disappointed in me.
Life was good until I ripped my pants… now life is good and ventilated.
Everyone: Why don’t you have kids?
*points to dead cactus*
Today our 4yo insisted on a large bowl of Golden Grahams, banana, and milk for breakfast, so long story short, my breakfast was 99% of a large bowl of Golden Grahams, bananas and milk
Me, about to cook non-English food: time to start culinising
*first date*
Him: So, I’m a youth minister.
Me: Oh, cool. *googling cast of the bible* I really like…Lucifer.
My mother, who has never drank or done any drug, is in Amsterdam. So, watch out, Netherlands, someone’s about to respectfully tour the crap out of your windmills.
4 year old: Daddy do you have any bat cheese?
Me: Bat cheese?
4: Yes
Me: Bat. Cheese?
4: Yes. Bat cheese.
Me: Why are you asking for… bat cheese?
4: For my car
Me:
4:
Me: Ahhhh batteries. You need batteries!
4: Yes bat cheese! 🙄
Even before the lock down, yoga teachers were working from Om
Hashtag Mind Chakra Blown
I practice with my nunchucks in the driveway to prevent intruders.
When she was 3, I took my youngest to makeup a gymnastics class we’d missed. The entire hr she was surly af & I had no idea why.
On the car ride home, she bold-faced stared me down and said, “MOM, we didn’t do ANY makeup in this class, you LIED.”
Kids.
You’re telling me Adam DRIVER and Penelope CRUZ (cruise) are in a movie called Ferrari ???????????
[Preens and poses in front of security camera]
*Shoplifts makeup and diet products*
Security Guard: Let her have it.
This pandemic has prompted a lot of questions like, “Who is at the most risk” and “Is it airborne” and “Has my wife always chewed that loudly?”
The Proclaimers: And I would walk 500 miles
Me: (realizing there’s no way I’m putting this much work into a relationship) You should pick them
The cable company told me they would send a guy out and I need to be home between the hours of 1pm and 2014.
I’m pretty sure I have all of those countless hours spent playing Tetris to thank for my mad dishwasher loading skills.
[Baby trying to say first words]
Baby: b..bu
Me: cmon son
Baby: bu..bu..s
Wife: Yes sweetheart
Baby: Bush did 9/11
Me[tearing up]: He knows
CRIME SCENE INVESTIGATOR: the cause of death is blunt force trauma
CRIME SCENE INVESTICROCODILE: I think your rounded snout looks stupid