You’re not allowed to make up words. It’s illexical
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Calm down, people on FB who ran the Detroit marathon. I’d be running a shit load too if I were in Detroit.
teacher: class, today we learn about the birds and bees
class: OOOOH
[opens hawk cage]
class: AAAHHH
[calls principal]
RELEASE THE BEES
It’s funny how Twitter dropped the egg avi and now people are using apps to smooth out their faces so much, they all look like eggs.
*Me getting pulled over*
Me:license and registration please?
Guy police officer :I pulled u over..
Me:do u really want to argue with me?
Sometimes I need a break from myself but it’s like ugh everywhere I go there I am.
Can’t sleep because I keep finding exciting opportunities to get pissed off.
The difference between a turtle and a tortoise is the tortoise chose to race a hare and the turtle became a Ninja.
My dad just told the famous Christmas story from when I was in 1st grade and asked why anyone would put up a ” Leon” sign
I read the noel sign backwards going on a drive to my grandparents
Turns out indoor stone throwing is a mistake no matter what your house is made of.
Daddy Bear -“Someones been sleeping in my bed.”
Mummy Bear -“Wouldn’t be the first time.”
Daddy Bear -“It’s been 3 years Sue, let it go.”
Dog finds the fluffiest dogs in daycare, so he can nap on them.. 😊
Me: I’d kill for your body.
Female trainer: Actually, with consistent exercise and clean eating…
Me: No that sounds hard I’d rather do murder
Forgot my glasses so I’m pointing at a random spot on the menu and hoping for the best
Someone recently asked me, “What blood type are you?”..
I said , “The red runny type”.
Friends with no kids are like:
Want to go to New Zealand this Friday?
I didn’t watch the video you sent I just waited 3 minutes then wrote hahaha
I’m donating my body to science. I’m getting sick of it taking up space in the freezer.
Paid my mortgage so don’t ask me to come out. I’m getting my moneys worth.
Bought a “Best Moments of 2021” magazine and the pages were blank
Everyone was texting her good morning sunshine, so I texted her “good morning solar eclipse”
Yeah, don’t do that.
Moving to a new house-
Everyone: “congrats! That’s so exciting! Yay! Great news!”
My dad: “how’s the water pressure?”
17 animal photos that will make you do a double take
*pushes cart from 20 feet away into cart corral perfectly*
“did you see th-*wife is already calling parents to take the kids for the night*
[robot gleefully steals another job from a human]
[.0003 seconds later]
This is crap
Why did I even want this
What have I done
We need tire spike strips installed for those idiots who can’t follow the big arrows and drive the wrong way down parking lot isles.
They’ll remember what those arrows mean next time.
*jingles half the way*
Wife: He’s your son!
Me: So you say! But I don’t…
*Kid dances across the room to the Benny Hill theme song*
Me: …ok fine he’s my son.
Whoever named them “sugar cookies” could’ve tried a little harder.
how did this penguin get in my apartment??!?!