I made fun of a guy for still having a Nokia phone. He threw it at me and knocked me unconscious.
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Getting out of bed the other night to go pee and the monster grabbed my leg, he said I can’t live like this anymore tell your wife to get rid of all these damn boxes under here.
Legos cost way too much for smthg I still have to put together myself
1995: oh cool, an online book store
2025: “please scan this qr code and take a brief survey in order to flush your toilet”
I cannot stop laughing at this
The same plot as the Matrix, only the Matrix runs Windows.
The system crashes on its own.
The human race is saved by shitty programming.
We’re at dinner with my parents on this trip.
Dad, receiving his salad: Oh, you have to mix this together yourself.
Me: You mean you have to toss your own salad?!
*Husband laughed*
*Mom giggled*Dad, oblivious: Yeah. You do.
Two out of three ain’t bad.
Things I can’t tell if missus saying to me or animals.
Food is ready.
Don’t lick that.
Don’t hump that.
Stop growling.
I love you.
Put your penis away.
Get back here.
Don’t eat that.
Get out.
Come here.
What are you doing with my underwear?
Don’t bite.
I asked my doctor if this heavily advertised, extremely ineffective medicine with many frightening side effects might be right for me.
The best letter to the editor in today’s @TB_Times.
Melania Trump says her husband is “not Hitler.” That’s true. Hitler had a mustache and adult-sized hands.
I’m starting an eraser company and looking to get the word out
starting an egg-finding service, and also secretly an egg-hiding business on the side
I refuse to use the self-checkout isle at a store. What I will do is occasionally post up at the exit and ask to check shoppers receipts. If I’m gonna work at your store for free, I’m picking my own position.
@KrangTNelson @funTweeters I am not a millennial, I am straight out the the 70’s and I make up new words to suite myself. Like you don’t get a spoonful of mashed potatoes you get a thwack of mashed potatoes because that is the sound it makes when they hit your plate thwack.
The worst part about insomnia is having to eat spiders while conscious
Well well well if it isn’t the guy whose lawn I woke up on
Orcas seemed to have stopped attacking people and somehow that’s scarier. What are they planning?
Whenever I want my son to visit I tell him our dog keeps going in his old bedroom trying to find him.
I bet The Ring really made it hard for dead people that want to crawl out of your tv for friendly reasons.
idk flipping houses looks really hard
Me: My name is Helen and I think I may be an alcoholic
Insurance Agent: Lady this is AAA, not AA
Me: Oh I know. I’m just telling you the story of how my car ended up in a tree
My hobbies include but are not limited to getting drunk and commenting “LOL” on relationship statuses on Facebook.
Ahh, birds chirping outside my window.
*lets the cat out*
*goes back to sleep*
The 1yo did 4 squats and then ate a cookie so he’s my new personal trainer now.
So many Jehovah’s Witnesses and yet still not a shred of Jehovah’s Evidence.
I don’t usually complain about the way people decorate their cubicles Tina but you should know my entire family was killed by a dachshund.
My 6 year old just said that if she likes her husband she’ll take his last name, but if she doesn’t like him he’ll have to take her last name. Sounds fair to me.
Someone at work sent an email that said “happy Monday” so I’m going to HR.
“Judy, if I don’t survive this vicious goose attack, always know that I loved you”
“my name is Denise”
The best part about sex is the roundhouse kicks.