Interview Tip: When you get the “where do you see yourself in 5 years” question, don’t say “post-apocalyptic tribal warlord”.
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“Do you need help with your math homework Billy?”
“Yeah I sure do Dad!”
“Well you’re shit out of luck”
When a man tries to hug me hello or goodbye I whisper in his ear “tip to tip” and sigh as we embrace to ensure we never do it again.
[Voice from police helicopter]
PUT YOUR HANDS IN THE AIR!
*raises hands*
*takes flattering selfie in helicopter spotlight*
*uploads new avi*
scientist: this machine erases your bad memories instantly. any volunteers?
me: i’ll give it a go
scientist: but you were just here yesterday
me: i’ve made some bad life choices since then
What was the point in making your car louder, bro?
Do you really want women to turn their heads and notice you drive a 1999 Honda Civic?
PSA: If you end your meeting early, you let the people go. you don’t say “lets use this extra time to chat and catch up”. i don’t want to, kevin. i want to not be here.
Breaking News:
Germany defeats Argentina… France surrenders.
ME: Can I taste your pancakes?
HUSBAND: Okay, but just one bite.
ME:
my sentiments exactly
I know how to use an abacus as a tambourine.
10pm: If I fall asleep now, I can get a full eight hours of sleep.
12am: If I fall asleep now, I can get a solid six hours of sleep.
2am: If I fall asleep now, I can still get four hours of sleep.
4am: If I fall asleep now, I can hopeful get two hours of sleep.
6am: If I FML
My 17yo just asked me how to make toast. There goes any hopes of a college scholarship.
Me: Look. There’s a deer.
Hunter: Don’t spook it.
Me: *slowly stuffing a werewolf mask back into my backpack*
Flowers die, my love, so instead I shall give you a bouquet of Keith Richards.
[6 months after breaking up]
Me: AND ANOTHER THING,
Once your kid learns about the planet Uranus, you can bet uranus you’ll be hearing uranus puns for months.
Toy story 2 has yet to explain how a stuffed horse kept pace with a commercial aircraft taking off on a runway
can’t see: birdbox
can’t talk: a quiet place
can’t touch: this
can’t = can not
don’t = do not
won’t = wo notdo not @ me i wo not answer
[on first date]
I’ll have an iced tea, please.
Waiter: Sure. Ummm…anything for the balloon with a woman’s face drawn on it?
Water towers were invented so angst ridden teenagers had something to climb in 80s movies.
“u should stop drinking” u should stop talking
Mob boss: fellas, restrain him
me: you can’t restrain me if you’ve never strained me
Mob boss: and gag him
I’m sorry baby, but me & you are not going to work out.
We are going to watch tv.
philosophy professor: you must question everything
[later]
me: *grabs lamp and shakes it* what have you been doing all day, you piece of shit
Pretty sure these are the same ingredients in my shampoo.
-me, reading the Pringles can.
I want to die from natural causes like being murdered by a sunset.
I remember a short time in my life when I didn’t like hot dogs. 5 is a challenging age.
POV: you compliment me and I don’t know how to act.
They’ll find Bigfoot before they find a Smoothie store that’s been open for more than 2 years.