COP: *drawing chalk outline around victim*
ME: what’s that for?
COP: seriously?
ME:
COP: I think it’s to keep out ants
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“Quick kid I don’t have much time. In 2020 they will release a super virus in a strategic attempt to wipe ou-“
“Oh hey, Bill, you’re home early.”
my cat just woke up, accused me of a crime, and went back to sleep
What idiot called it the road to Bethlehem instead of the highway to the manger zone?
What if we misunderstood the expression? What if it’s not time that heals all wounds but thyme, the herb, that holds mystical healing powers? And all this time God has been shouting from heaven “You idiots! Just sprinkle thyme on it!!”
Wouldn’t that be something?
Woke up with no money. I was robbed last night by a guy who looks exactly like me, but drunker.
Interviewer: How do you respond to criticism?
Me: Violently.
Interviewer:
Me:
Interviewer: No further questions.
I don’t know what to do
Nothing’s sadder than the look on my dog’s face when I reach under the kitchen table to pet her and she realizes my hand is empty.
‘A confident swipe of the debit card’ is my favorite fantasy.
Discovered my husband thinks the candy is called “whoopers” and I may never recover from this
So Torchwood, the Who spinoff, is notably an anagram of Doctor Who, so obviously this must be the rule for all subsequent spinoffs. I’m now going to pitch my show “Hoot Crowd” about a large group of time-travelling owls.
Welcome to my home! No you’re mistaken, it isn’t a mess, it’s just gallery-style so you can see everything we own at once. Watch your step.
“Speed” remake with Scarlett Johansson as the bus
A winged baby shooting people with a bow and arrows. Yeah, what wouldn’t turn me on about that?
Grocery store bagger: need help out to your car?
me: *gets in the cart* yes.
Her: You need to stop playing video games.
Me: Why?
Her: You have kids, you need to act like a father & go outside & play with them!
Me:
My wife got an organic, free-range, non-GMO, antibiotic-free turkey for Thanksgiving — and every one of those adjectives added 20 bucks.
Spent way too much time walking around the house trying to track down an odd noise that turned out to be a whistle in my nose.
Everyone “I learned a lesson ”
Me: “Imma do it again!”
My neighbor asked how I keep my grass looking so good
I told him to have a seat, it’s kind of a lawn story
I was out with my bf and a waiter called me a ‘cradle robber’ cuz he’s 18 and I’m 43.
Totally ruined our 10th anniversary.
Bathe your child in lavender soap before bed so you’re both nice and relaxed before you lose your mind when they won’t go to sleep.
When my nudes go to the cloud I always hope God is impressed.
i know it’s been said a billion times but literally everything about Brendan Fraser is fantastic
Standing in line at the grocery store. Lady behind me says “you can move up and stand on that X on the floor”
I politely said “No, I’ve seen far too many Road Runner cartoons to fall for that”
I see it’s garbage day on twitter again.
Daughter: dad, will you sign up for the fun run?
Me: I don’t understand your question. Those words don’t belong together.
I’m glad we evolved from apes. If we evolved from chameleons, we’d constantly be walking into each other.
me: there are plenty of white rappers
him: …dr seuss