*Buys 15 feet of bubble wrap*
Cashier: “Are you moving?”
Me: “No, why?”
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me: how did you get ink all over your skirt?
wife: oh umm, the printer at work exploded
dave the squid: [in the closet] just tell him about us
Muffins – for people who don’t have the guts to order cake for breakfast.
My girlfriend told me to take a spider out instead of killing it. We went and had some drinks. Cool guy. Wants to be a lawyer.
no one:
absolutely no one:
my 8 year old: i hate lasagna if someone ever brought me one when im old id make my wife eat it
My Christmas shopping will be financed by my swear jar again this year.
Hey kids! Make your voice heard this election day by hiding your parents identification! (Not applicable in some states)
Apparently, my superpower is being invisible to bartenders.
“Shelley’s coming over.”
“Shelley from work or Shelley who was raised by gorillas?”
*gets hit in the face with poop*
“…This one is TOO big. This one is JUST right.”
-my daughter, picking out her preferred public toilet.
Star Wars (1977): A wounded warrior overcomes severe burn injuries to build a massive empire only to see his estranged son destroy it.
old timey fellow: i say have you addressed your pants falling down problem?
inventor of suspenders: indeed good sir i’ve hung them from my shoulders.
7-year-old: I jumped in a puddle and almost drowned!
Me: You’re exaggerating.
7: It was in that puddle you always complain about.
Okay, it might have been deep enough.
The police have just found my stash of ceremonial chairs in my transparent garden potting shed. Just goes to prove…
People in glass houses shouldn’t stow thrones
Spelling bees. Why aren’t other competitions called ‘bees’? The Football Bee. The Great Cooking Bee. The Presidential Bee. Send.
“Let the chips fall where they may.”
-My kids when they’re eating chips on the couch.
In High School I was pretty popular with all the boys.
I was known as “Hey, will you ask your friend if she likes me?”
Why can’t Stephen Hawking dance? Because he’s white.
The Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles wore masks to hide their identities from all the other walking and talking turtles
Nephew: Your Christmas hat is ugly. But that’s okay…
Me: Why is it okay that it’s ugly?
Nephew: It matches your face!
Me: 😳😳
I got myself a wrap on my way home at 2am & a girl outside stopped me and said “my boyfriend’s stormed off. do you want his chips?” and she gave them to me and got in her uber alone and sped away into the night. i miss her.
[funeral]
WIDOW: thank you for coming
ME: are you kidding, I love funerals
me: my pasta salad is cold
waiter: it’s meant to be
me: I think you’re cute too but let’s get this pasta problem figured out first
On a recent tour of my son’s college, the guide walked us up 5 flights of steep stairs because she didn’t think the 4 of us should share an elevator. I’m pretty sure the extreme shortness of breath my husband and I had, at the top, confirmed her concern for protecting our heath.
signs you’re dating an angel:
– skin made of smooth marble
– thousands of eyes that emit lasers
– wings violently displace tons of air
– 13,000 trumpets constantly
– peaceful sense of impending doom
– giant chalice overflowing with acid
– texts you good morning
I was just adoringly watching my dog sleep and he woke up and caught me and now he thinks I’m some stalker weirdo.
wish i loved anything as much as my hoodie sleeve loves water.
Date night with me is like a game of Chess: I start off making the right moves, but by the end of it, I’m needlessly sacrificing bishops
#Caturday
Let’s all smash our hands together repeatedly to indicate that we enjoyed that thing.
I log in and out of Facebook at the same speed a frightened kid runs down into the basement to grab something and runs back up.