Accidentally pressed 2 for Spanish and Donald Trump’s security team came out of nowhere to deport me.
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Watch my hands when I say “latitude” or “longitude.” It’s as much for my benefit as yours.
Person: I like you
Me: *eyes narrow* Why
Why is it wealthy people can refuse to pay their bills and suffer no consequences, but if I don’t pay my electr
as is their right
ME: it probably seems weird but I prefer to pee sitting down
THERAPIST: get the hell off my lap
I can forgive the fact that Peter Peter was a pumpkin eater, but I can’t abide by the fact that his first and last name are the same.
Her: Do you like this outfit?
Him: It’s okay I guess.
What are you doing?Her: Changing.
Him: But we’re gonna be late! I said it was okay!
Men bring a lot of their problems on themselves.
You give me butterflies. I give them back. Please stop handing me insects, it’s really weird.
Since Hemsworth didn’t go for Thanos’s head, Avengers: Infinity War is a Chris miss movie.
*holds in gut when stepping on a scale*
Wife: you need to get rid of these jeans.
Me: but I’ve had them forever.
Wife: exactly!
Me: I love them and by keeping them I’m reducing my carbon footprint. Fast fashion etc.
Wife: there’s a giant crotch hole in them. I can see your balls.
Me: you’re welcome?
Wife: no.
Doctor: “You have a blockage in your small & large intestine”
Barista: …
Barista: …
Doctor: *Sigh* “Ok, Tall & Venti intestine.”
1. gather ’round, young-uns, whiles I tellya bout how yer momma & I met, and also practice this genteel old-timey accent
*tucking t-shirt into tighty whities*
Time to seize the day.
I’ll have a whiskey.
“On The Rock?”
Yeah, the rocks—wait, what?
[You look up at a smiling Dwayne Johnson]
“This one’s free, buddy.”
No thank you, shower sex. I’ll just step out of the shower and injure myself the old fashioned way.
Everyone thinks they won’t be that couple that goes from ‘everything you do is a turn on’ to ‘you’re breathing too loud’ but they will be, oh they will be
The worst part about being humble is that you can’t brag about it.
Parents who have allowed your
8 yr olds to become spoiled brats …We’ll check back in 10 years to see
how that worked out for you.
[marriage counseling]
She thinks I make bad decisions.
“He stole a penguin from the zoo.”
YOU SAID YOU WANTED A BUTLER, KAREN.
*holding your xray up to the light and looking at it*
when did you first notice your back hurting?
“after the knife went in”
I’m giving up alcohol for a month.
Wait sorry, that didn’t come out right :
I’m giving up. Alcohol for a month.
My friend just brought me a coffee and I started crying bc it was such a sweet and small but genuine act of kindness and she was like “I’m your waitress, you literally just ordered this” and that is just classic her I love her so much
Direct deposit: +1400
Me at Cheesecake Factory: yeah I’ll take one of each slice
You telling me these peas gave someone a black eye?
Fun Fact:
The human brain isn’t able to register typos or grammar errors until after hitting teh Send button.
I just accidentally uploaded this instead of my invoice on a company’s invoicing portal and I can’t delete it
If you burned CDs for the car so your original copies wouldn’t get scratched, it’s time to schedule your colonoscopy.
Where is my emotional support mac n cheese when I need it?
When something at the hardware store says it’s universal, that means it will fit every model on the market except the one you have.