Kids: It’s the first day of spring break and it’s not fair that we’ve been bored all day.
Me, barley conscious: It is literally 10 o’clock in the morning.
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What’s a retweet called now?
I vote Xerox.
“I refuse to be part of an apartheid system that reveres whiteness and segregates those of colour”
“Just do the damn laundry”
Carpe DM
I bought my dad some mugs with little ceramic doggos at the bottom. He just handed me coffee, but, ‘I can’t fill it up more than that or the dog will drown.’
Mortal Kombat was inspired by parents who co-sleep with their children
Apple is releasing new product information today.
That explains why yesterday my husband said that his watch isn’t staying charged anymore.
I’ll bet you I can make this chicken fly
“You’re on”
*puts sunglasses and Weezer t-shirt on chicken*
*squirts Axe body spray*
Pay up
Just because you can eat everything at the “all you can eat buffet”, doesn’t mean you should. I know this now.
BOSS TELLS ME I CAN KISS MY FERRETS AT WORK, BUT NO OPEN MOUTH. I PUNCH THE FLOOR SO HARD HIS SCREEN SAVER DEACTIVATES
Me: Trust me, I’ve got everything under control.
Narrator: lmao you know what I’m ’bout to say..
They say sex is the best for of exercise.
Correct me if I’m wrong but I don’t think 2 minutes and 15 seconds every 3 months is gonna do much for your beer belly.
Wife: I want to have another baby
Me: one is more than enough
Wife: we have 3
Me: the others know how I feel
I still can’t believe Jesus was born on Christmas Day I mean what are the odds
*Takes leash off feral dad*
Me: Go on, boy. Get outta here.
*Feral dad barbecues on my new shoes*
BAD DAD! BAD!
In marriage, there are two conversations:
The one you think you’re having and the one your husband hears.
I used to wrap all of my teen brother’s Christmas gifts in Victoria’s Secret boxes, which was a great conversation starter when he had friends over.
Finally passed GO. That’s the last time I eat a Monopoly board.
Therapist: what’s your support system like?
Me: about $150 an oz
My kid: mumma where are you going?
Me: I’m going to meet my really old friends
My kid: you mean friends your age?
Me: ‘really old’ meaning from long ago
My kid: so same
I have a solar eclipse every two minutes inside my living room ever since my toddler learned how to open & close the blinds.
The war on Christmas? Yeah, I started it. But in my defense, maybe Santa warns a person before his home invasion and I don’t take him out.
just once i’d like my dog to give me a treat
Ranch is mayonnaise with sprinkles.
You know what’s better than therapy? Nothing. Go to therapy.
Cut out the middleman and throw all your food right into the whiskey.
I’ve been dating a girl online who I think might be a Catfish. Every time I try to meet, her excuse is that she “can’t survive on dry land.”
Sneezing is a really good way of working out exactly how full your bladder is
The older you get, the more you realise your chances of being cast as a vampire in a Twilight reboot are dwindling.
It’s six. Six raccoons. Six raccoons is the amount of raccoons that will make me turn around and walk down a different street. Six.
[showing my family to coworker]
This is a picture of my daughter & my cat. Mittens & Jack.
“You named your daughter Jack?”
Nope, mittens