Your coworkers will leave you alone in the lunchroom if you answer all their questions in a Porky Pig voice.
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If you call me daddy during sex you’re getting sent home to eat your vegetables.
My kids used to get so mad at me for not picking them up after school. But, good mothers don’t drink and drive.
When your emotional bank account is empty you have “insufficient funs”
Poor superman.he can’t go commando without the whole world noticing
Our vision of Hell doesn’t come from the Bible; it’s a composite drawn from fictional sources like The Divine Comedy and Paradise Lost. Fearing Hell is tantamount to fearing the plot of a Stephen King novel.
WAITRESS: Is that a no on dessert?
I suppose I should be thankful that I’m a single adult. Life would be much more complicated if I were multiple adults.
Wish I could focus on anything with even half the intensity of my dog watching me eat yogurt.
I got a text from an unknown number that said “Game on.”
It’s either a wrong number, or someone wants to wear my skin like a suit.
Canadians say “sorry” so much that a law was passed in 2009 declaring that an apology can’t be used as evidence of admission to guilt
I was really upset today but then a friend said “don’t be upset” so now I’m not upset anymore
WEBSITE CEO: We need a fool-proof way to ensure everyone who enters the site is over 18
“What about clicking on a button that says I’m over 18?”
WEBSITE CEO: Bob, you have done it again
BREAKING: area man is calculated by height times width
instead of valuable antiques, my mom passes down my childhood pastel poofy-sleeved 80’s outfits so my kids can carry on the family legacy of looking stupid
The way I gotta put my hands up after eating a sandwich to prove to my dog I don’t have any left… the trust issues
I believe this to be the best photograph of a dog ever taken in human history.
“You gotta try the lobs-”
– I’ll should tell you…
“Yes?”
– We’re not having sex.
“OK.”
– What were you saying?
“The chicken here’s great.”
When a child loses a tooth, some parents put a dollar under their pillow. Other parents leave a book called, “Your Disintegrating Body.”
I’m a simple woman. I don’t need fancy things like jewelry or sanity to be happy.
husband: we should role play tonight
me: ok you be our hot neighbor Chad
husband: huh, that’s oddly specific
me: listen Chad, it’s inappropriate that you’re in my bedroom please leave my husband will be home soon and we’re probably gonna do it
Before I go out binge drinking I always eat a stick of butter. It doesn’t do anything I just make really poor life choices.
“You’re not so tough now, are you, Batman?”
~ Drunk guy who punched a nun.
Kidnapper: [on phone] we have your son.
Wife: actually I’m holding my son.
Kidnapper: [getting frustrated] then who the heck just asked for chocolate milk with a straw and made us cut the crust off his PB&J?
Wife: oh god.
Kidnapper: what?
Wife. you have my husband.
[I die and appear in a mysterious place]
me: woah, is this heaven or hell?
guy: here’s a giant plate of linguine
me: must be heaven!
guy: you have to eat it without the twirl technique
me: aw hell
6 said he isn’t sleeping in his room cause the tooth fairy sounds creepy but he left the tooth cuz he needs the money.
-No DNA test needed
[ gets death tarot card ]
me: i’ve heard it’s really not that bad
blackjack dealer: seems kinda bad
I think I just invented four new yoga poses trying to get a chocolate chip that I dropped under the table.
In an effort to keep the employees motivated and increase morale, my boss has asked me to stop talking to everyone.
18 is TOO young to get married!
You can’t even buy booze at 18!
If you can’t buy booze, how the hell are you gonna make a marriage work?!?
The flintstones are proof that man lived with dinosaurs
My favorite type of men is ramen.