Absolutely travel with kids. It’s important they experience begging to watch their iPad in new environments
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Me: Damn, there is no better feeling than skin on skin
store employee: Sir, you…you know you know you have to buy that pack of chicken now right?
Bringing them to the yard is easy
– bear traps will keep em’ there
My body snaps, crackles and pops louder than my cereal.
Me: Your sandwiches are ready
16: My ride just got here early *grabbing a sandwich & taking huge bite*
Me: Take them with you. Those Philly cheesesteaks better get eaten
16: *hug, laughing, taking plate w/him* Mama, 3 teenagers, 1 car, 2 Philly cheesesteaks. They’ll get eaten
Me: *buys a blue chair online*
Internet: check out these 16 similar blue chairs since you obv collect blue chairs
Not my fault the petting zoo never specified what I was supposed to pet
It only looks like my kids are having popsicles for breakfast, Brenda, those are clearly frozen smoothies
Prove you’re not a robot by typing two words that sounds like they were doodled on a toilet cubicle by a schizophrenic
“Opps” is my favorite typo because it suggests the thrill of a secret counterinsurgency.
So as far as I can tell, the Metaverse is just Animal Crossing but you’re being hunted by Mark Zuckerberg.
Me: Welcome back to Fishin’ with Jesus. We only caught two fish so far-
Jesus: [standing on water] Count those fish again *winks at camera*
Top 5 things to ditch in 2017
5. Debt
4. People you don’t like
3. Facebook
2. Drama
1. The bodies
The setting my husband selects for our ceiling fan makes me think his end goal is to make me fly off the bed
I’m listening, but this 5-year-olds ‘polka-dotted dinosaur astronaut’ story better have a point
Doing United States puzzle with 7 when he tells me that “Alabama should be called Mr. Sippi since it’s next to Mrs. Sippi.”
i’m so sorry sir, but we here at chase bank don’t accept gun-for-money exchanges. and we need an amount, not just “all the money you got”
The fact that my predictive text suggests a potato after I type morning instead of a heart is really all you need to know about me
I walk around my yard with a fake teardrop tattoo so my neighbors will not ask me to watch their kids.
Poor character written by an author who has experienced poverty: My problem is that I’m $300 short on the rent and now my car is making a noise
Poor character written by a rich author: My problem is that I feel so inferior beside these beautiful, sophisticated rich people
#FF @funTweeters. They’re the crazies, I tell ya! #humor
If I were a werewolf I wouldn’t have to chain myself up at night because I don’t like going out anyway.
I shutter to think of all the things my neighbors have seen me do through their blinds.
At what age does Ryan Gosling have to change his name to Ryan Goose
The 6 or so days between Christmas and New Year’s is truly No Man’s Land. Like am I supposed to sleep all day? Get my life together? Spend the entire day watching TikToks? Hang out with my parents? Are we in 2019 or 2020? What do I eat besides Christmas cookies?
Don’t you hate it when you forget proper terms for objects so you end up calling a “watering can” a “that waterthingie for thirsty plants, yanno it’s like a portable water holder”.
An eye for an eye, a tooth for a tooth. But a tooth is worth half an eye, so an eye for two teeth also works, if you’re out of eyes.
booking flights on a phone is crazy. that is a laptop activity
evidently it’s ‘not appropriate’ to call the embassy when the grocery store is out of brazil nuts
piss me off and I’ll put you on my kid’s school fundraiser mailing lists