Hate seeing birds walking to their destination. It’s disingenuous. They’re just doing gravity tourism. Get back in the sky where you belong.
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I hate it when I sit down on a warm public toilet seat and I have to set myself on fire.
Friend: u around this weekend
Me: yep
F: to help me move
M: uh one sec *fake hold music* hey yeah, that was my doctor, bad news, I have died
ME: I just feel like sometimes you take me for granted.
MY CAT: I literally have no idea who you are.
Your an idiot.
-You’re.
What?
-You’re not your.
But I said it. I didn’t type it. We’re talking.
-Yeah but I heard the typo.
You’re an idiot.
BRAIN: you need to let loose a little, have some fun
ME: rainbow colored goldfish crackers it is
That unspoken group dynamic when all your friends are in an Uber on your way to the club and the people in the backseat are lit, dancing and scream talking and the person in the front seat is the group’s PR person and talks to the driver and just keeps saying “I’m sorry for that”
me: I need to borrow a math textbook
librarian: edition?
me: and subtraction if you have it
Watching Jaws with my 6 year old because I’m sick of going to the beach
If you invite me, you invite my xylophone too.
My mom is pretty relaxed about earthquakes.
I can’t believe the pharmacy hasn’t called!
“Oh they did..3 or 4 days ago..I forgot to tell you. What’s it’s for anyway?”
Anxiety.
I can’t come into work. I opened a cursed sarcophagus and now I gotta put a pharaoh’s soul to rest. I DUNNO, TAD, I’LL PROBABLY BE IN MONDAY
A bright side to having kids is that if I’m ever trapped in my car I have 3 years worth of half-empty water bottles and goldfish to live on.
A guy at work forges as a hobby and it took me almost a year before I realized that he wasn’t saying he was foraging on the weekend
scientist: this machine erases your bad memories instantly. any volunteers?
me: i’ll give it a go
scientist: but you were just here yesterday
me: i’ve made some bad life choices since then
I can eat 47 deviled eggs without throwing up.
Don’t ask how I know this.
Our “safe place” during a tornado is a bathroom in the center of our house.
Kids in the tub, me sitting on the toilet, my husband and my ex-husband who had stopped by just before the tornado, all crammed into this tiny space.
Ex-husband: I really hope this isn’t the way I go.
What kind of country do we live in when an artist like Sia won’t take advantage of the freedom to change her last name to Lateralligator?
2020 caught us wishing we could cancel our plans so it made us smoke an entire carton of canceling our plans
Went over todo list for fishing vaca, Noticed wife put “WTF” aside “B Plug”.
Had to explain, the “Boat Plug” keeps the water out of the boat
Who knew opening this jar marked DANGER: Baby Spiders DO NOT OPEN would turn into such a can of worms
Oh hi lol
My Girlfriend says I have a tendency to get ahead of myself.
Well she’s not my girlfriend yet….
Interviewer: your resume says you were a waiter
Me: yes that’s right
Interviewer: where at
Me: out in the lobby right before this interview
Kids are funny:
8yo: “No, you already had enough milk!”
4yo, angrily: “Heyyy, stop telling da truth!”
When I find myself with a simple problem, I stop, take a deep breath, and ask myself, “How can I complicate this?”
Two rotisserie chickens.
One for chicken noodle soup and the other as a backup for when you eat the one you wanted to put into the soup.
*after sex
No, you cannot sleep over.
Husband:
“How’s the diet going?”
I beep when I back up now.
Ever been in the middle of writing a great tweet and think, did I just run someone over?