me: how do i come off?
firefighter: kind of cringe
me: (at the top of ladder) no i mean. wait what?
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Always buy ‘hand wash only’ shirts whenever you want to wear something once and then throw it into a ‘hand wash only’ basket for 15 years.
People who clap when the plane lands don’t aim particularly high do they?
My little niece ate her chocolate Easter bunny’s face because she “didn’t like the way it was looking at her”
I’m locking my bedroom door tonight
[mosh pit]
me: HELLOOO TRYING TO DRINK A LATTE HERE
I judge the strength of the economy based on what type of candy people hand out on Halloween.
“Wow, cell phones are getting ridiculously big.”
“That’s a smart car.”
What the hell happened here.
Today I learned my laser pointer can go all the way to the bar across the street.
Drunk people still think there’s a sniper somewhere.
Ben Carson is my favorite candidate whose name sounds like a Transformer explaining to his kid why he hasn’t seen him much lately
If you lead a horse to pretzels and then to water, he will definitely drink.
for christmas I got the cat a plastic yellow gun that shoots soft fluffy balls for her to chase which she loooves. anyway it’s so funny now when she’s being a pain & we need to distract her one of us will say “cat won’t stop trying to eat from my plate. pass me the gun”
That sinking feeling when you realize you forgot to lock your clubhouse when you were 8, and it’s probably all infested now with girls
Him: Will you marry me?
Me: omg what did I do, why don’t you want to have sex with me anymore?
“Just because you can’t dance, doesn’t mean you shouldn’t dance”
-Alcohol
Retired bakers have nothing to prove.
me: my fish is very dry
waiter: yes, we had to take him out of the water
me: smart
Every video my wife has taken with her phone has me in it saying, “Are you taking a video?”
Who called it industrial espionage and not being a thief executive?
At a seminar. Cannot wait to drop someone during a trust fall.
Me: I know every word of the Golden Girls theme song!
Job interviewer:…and a weakness?
[overhears wife complaining about me on phone] he’s always overreacting and making a mess
*spits chocolate milk everywhere* ARE YOU SERIOUS?
Just what the hell are you juicing with this?🧐🤣
Parents w/ 1st kid: *Peels grape & slices it into 84 tiny pieces.
Parents w/ 4th kid: *Gives kid knife & fork to cut their own steak.
cats are difficult cuz you want to cuddle with them and they’re like this uneven piece of plastic on top of the hard counter is more comfortable.
Me: I’ve had a long day. Make it a double.
Nurse administering the Covid shot: What?
What’s the new etiquette rule: am I supposed to wait until everyone is done photographing their meals before I start eating mine?
Anxiety causes your body to store fat so that’s one more thing to be anxious about.
“What do you get if you cross a monkey and a lion?”
I glance nervously over to the basement door, afraid she’s seen something she shouldn’t.
I always ask for a receipt so I can keep them in my purse for 86 years.
My boss gave me an assignment and told me to “give it the old college try”, so now I’m skipping class and doing a keg stand.