We need a Disney princess who is great at basketball and also a golden retriever
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An old Russian wisdom:
Tell me who your friends are,
And I’ll tell you what
you’ll be charged with.
Going to show my kids before and after pictures of Lindsay Lohan and say this girl didn’t think she needed a nap either.
[gynecologist making small talk during an exam]
DOCTOR: So you’re in the military?
HER: Yes
DOCTOR: Well thank you for your cervix
Bi women make the best comedians because we can never keep a straight face.
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I’m usually a smart man but when my wife went into labor with our first born I brought my laptop to the hospital because my Farmville crops needed to be harvested before they died. She really had bad timing with that whole “labor” thing.
It’s only a problem if others know about it….
*Sweeps problems under rug*
[Giving directions in America]
Go two blocks down and take a left on 4th
[Directions in England]
Go down this road, past the big tree, over the bridge throwing a snack to the troll, dodge the wizard and it’s right there on the edge of the magical forest
7YR OLD: daddy, I don’t want to go to bed, it’s still light outside
ME: [explains daylight savings time]
7: that’s the dumbest shit I’ve ever heard.
Given the American diet, don’t you think we’d have greater success locating missing children if we put their faces on liters of soda?
Mix it up a little. Text a random phone number the following msg:
“The fat one won’t fit into the woodchipper. What do you want me to do?”
Am not being sponsored to say this but if you’re like me and enjoy wearing jean-shorts but dislike the feeling of cold on your lower legs, check out “jeans”. They’re like jean-shorts but longer.
[inventor of cursive] what if the letters held hands
Kids at bedtime are like a nine page food blog for a simple ramen noodle recipe
Apparently I have a few “tells” when I’m angry.
But I light things on fire when I’m happy too so don’t pretend you know me.
Fly wife: Notice anything?
Fly husband: …
Fly wife: Seventeen thousand eyes and not one spots my new haircut
My hair is 100% organic, but it has been tested on animals. Portions may have been used to drape over cats’ heads to make little wigs.
Ever notice that women say “scare you to death” while men say “scare the pants off you”?
Well played men, well played…
Salad is being recalled. Do you know what’s never been recalled? Oreos.
SECURITY GUARD: “Sir, I have to check all backpacks”
ME: “ok”
*opens backpack*
*its full of hundreds of tiny backpacks*
For a while after my wife left me I found it really difficult to listen to any of ‘our’ songs. She’d taken the entire CD collection with her.
I possess a devastating combination of perfectionism and incompetence
*getting escorted out of a Chuck E. Cheese*
Listen buddy,
This beer told me I could dance.
[1800s]
Guy who hates kids: Create for me something children will love, but then it abandons them, or dies a slow, withering death, or vanishes with a terrifying gunshot noise
Francis H. Balloon: Here’s a thought
Keeping a blood capsule in my mouth for the next guy who tells me to smile.
So my 5 year old’s stuffed owl and his stuffed mouse are best friends, and I don’t know how to break the news to him…
it takes a big man to admit when he’s wrong but it takes an even bigger man to give a giraffe a haircut
A spider just watched me open a pickle jar and then it committed suicide.
I hate this app so much. This rebrand is awful. If you need to reach me, you can find me here engaging in content and regularly posting
Ooops wrong house😂😜
girls have four moods: famine, pestilence, war, death