You can say hello to ducks, even if you do not have a good history with them. I am a bear.
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A stunning example of cloud iridescence, caused by small ice crystals scattering the sun’s rays, filmed in Narathiwat, Thailand.
Credit: Orawan Thongchinda
Everybody’s talking about the super obnoxious drunk guy at the bar last night. I was at that same bar and I didn’t even notice him. Weird.
i’m really getting my money’s worth on rent this year
11: Daddy, how long have we been friends for?
Me: That depends. How old are you?
11: I’m eleven.
Me: Then probably 4 or 5 years hahaha
11: See, jokes like that is why we’re no longer friends.
“Interested in mail enhancement?”
Me: u mean ‘male’ enhancement
“No. [whispering] what if I told u I could get ur mail like so fast bro”
iPhone: I’m gonna update your software tonight while u sleep
*next morning*
iPhone: I couldn’t do it bro. just didn’t feel right. vibe was off
I’m opening a restaurant called “It doesn’t matter, whatever you want” since every girl alive wants guys to take them there.
I’ll straight up listen to yacht rock on a house boat and house music on a yacht I really don’t give a shit anymore.
There is no real comfortable way to explain to your gynecologist that it’s your feet that smell.
My next door neighbor is constantly blaring loud music by a certain white rapper, keeping me awake at night. He’s become my Eminemesis.
Autocorrect just changed “lady parts” to “lazy parts” and I didn’t wanna change it back because it’s not wrong, to be honest.
Have kids so you can get weird compliments like “You look nice in that dress, like a Saturday raisin.”
“conference” comes from the Latin “con” meaning “together with” and “ference” meaning “the worst people on earth”
I just learned that in the US you have to pay money to cross a bridge in your car lol like you can’t convince me that America is real.
If I learned anything from Peter Pan, it’s that I can leave my dog to watch my kids while I go out and party.
Parents, when you go to the bathroom don’t forget to lock the door so your kids can show you what it would be like if zombies were trying to break down your door in an apocalypse.
[first day as a police sketch artist]
ME: I hope for your sake you were attacked by a stick figure.
Me: Your shoes are on the wrong feet baby girl
2: *starts crying* These are my only feet!
What do you call a cappuccino with an old friend?
A catchupino.
#RubbishJokes
*gets on knees and prays*
Please Harry and Meghan on House Hunters International
I love when pretty people say that they’re ugly so that I can agree with them and watch the life drain from their faces.
Me: Was this product tested on animals?
Clerk: Yes.
Me: [outraged] I knew it!!!!
Clerk: Sir, that’s a dog leash.
I hate when I think there’s an open parking space and then I have to run over a motorcycle.
When someone explains why they’re late, I tell them I don’t buy it and make intense eye contact.
sorry but I’m allergic to cauliflower, like deathly allergic, if I eat some my throat feels itchy then I kill everyone
Not to say my family is messy but I’ve had two different Roombas escape out the backdoor.
Wife: You’ve been a naughty boy
Me: Yes I have!
Wife: You need to be punished *takes off clothes*
Me: Yes, I do!
Wife: Do the laundry
My dog’s the one that’s getting chonky, so why do I have to exercise too?
i’m a writer the way a potato is a battery