Please don’t put a coin on my mouth when I die; I plan to wander the shores of the River Styx for 100 years & finally get that bikini body.
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“..,you will die in seven days”
*creepy voice on the phone*
Me; “new phone, who dis?”
A restaurant called Grandma’s House where the wait staff greets you by saying you hardly call anymore and no matter how full you are they always make you eat more than you want
[first date]
Her: omg are you wearing a cape? Lol
Me: [texting mom] ok you were right about the cape
My friend can be so pedantic. I know that saying “Frankenstein” isn’t technically correct, but I can’t remember your baby’s real name.
You have one fire drill in the middle of the night and they never let you hear the end of it.
Current adult status: Just got into a heated debate about whether or not Merida from Brave is a Disney princess. I won. She is not.
white people eradicated entire populations for spices and yet the bay leaf remains a mystery
My GF left me because she said I lied about stupid things. I was so upset I ate a car park 🙁
It’s easy to make friends as an adult, you just go up to someone you think looks normal & ask them if they’d like to go pick out matching butterfly knives with you, it works for dating & job interviews, too
[getting car jacked] umm i know i’m supposed to resist and all but if we don’t cooperate we’re both gonna miss McDonalds breakfast so hop in
i’m not dating for marriage i’m dating to split streaming and nytimes subscriptions
tums is missing out on selling pumpkin spice flavored antacid and calling it autums.
Autocorrect changed “you flatter me” to “you flatten me” and shit just got really weird.
If I have to be awake, everyone has to be awake.
– birds
Could I save more lives with telekinesis or with a family of friendly dinosaurs?
NOAH: whoa hold up, we already have two slugs
SLUG (wearing shell): no no, not slug *taps shell with eyeball* call me snail
NOAH: *narrows eyes* you look like a slug
SLUG: does the big guy know you brought your wife and kids?
NOAH:
SLUG:
NOAH: karaoke’s at 7
*bites a radioactive spider
*spider starts tweeting 18 hours a day
Experts say we may be as little as two days away from finally leaving the March Age. The next epoch is provisionally being called “April,” and is also expected to last 5-10 million years.
JEDI WHO INVENTED LIGHTSABER: ok its a destructive laser sword so maybe we shoudnt wear anythig too flowy
JEDI IN CHARGE OF COSTUMES: …OORR
If you’re a guy and your profile picture has a photo clicked of yourself in front of a mirror,
OH GOD WHY?!?
*paying $40 to go into a haunted house*
finally a peaceful refuge to get away from how scary the world is right now
I think everyone would benefit if women had Oxford commas instead of periods.
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Them: are you sad because you eat or do you eat because you’re sad?
Me: *takes long, slow drag of egg roll* look kid…
I remember when the only in-flight movie choices were either you watched or you didn’t
I feel like Google doesn’t really work anymore.
My 2-year old son wears a “Jurassic Park” t-shirt like he’s some big fan but I know for a fact he’s never seen it.
Don’t be a poser bro
Christmas needs to slow tf down I only got 8 dollars
My wife asked me to put ketchup on the shopping list.
Now I can’t read anything.