If you are trading Cephalopods, it’s important that you exchange those that are of equal size and value.
You know….
Squid Pro Quo
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The lady from HR challenged me to name one of my boss’s good qualities and the best I could come up with is “he’s biodegradable”
tried to blow dust off my phone and spat all over it
so yeah, i’m adorable
The chicken mask stays on during chicken shopping
I don’t envy mama birds for how they have to feed their babies, but the pushing them out of the nest part sounds fun.
Spoiler alert: The fairytale ends with the prince at work, 3 whiney kids, and you are cinderella AND the wicked witch.
I took my birthday off of all my social media accounts to see who remembered it. So I got messages from my mother-in-law, the place that does my colonoscopy, and the bank.🤣
They got Raph!
I just saw a woman outside sitting alone on a bench and staring at nothing and it made me so sad. I wonder what happened to her phone?
stop asking if your body is ready for the beach and start asking if the beach is ready for your body
Me, representing myself in court:
First of all your honour, how could I have known that this was illegal? I’m not a lawyer!
Something good is coming my way I can feel it. Nothing life changing, probably just a hotdog
God please let it be a hotdog
I used to eat a lot of Belgian chocolate, but I gave it up for Lindt.
If Dracula were on Grindr, he would be looking for a guy with a blood sausage.
I grew up in a really small town. The closest thing we had to food delivery was someone egging your house.
Bowser: Honey, the toilet’s clogged
Wife: Call someone to fix it
Bowser: *dialing number* Well this is gonna be awkward
How do chocolate labs not die of themselves?
Me: If I walk 10,000 steps but do it with a dog, has the dog done 20,000 steps since it has twice the legs?
Job interviewer: I meant questions about the company
Everyone is fighting a battle you don’t know about. Except for me.
I am complaining loudly about my battle. Everybody knows about it.
Wife: You guys never eat the food before it goes bad!
Also my wife: *buys 40lbs of grapes because they’re on sale*
Making a wreath of all my kids’ lost teeth to hang on my door to ward off solicitors.
If you ever feel shitty about mispronouncing a word you’ve never used in speech, then know that nothing could be worse than the way I said ‘banal’ in front of an entire company
DATE: I want to be with someone that fights for change
ME: [with a mouth full of lasagna] I won’t fight other people for less than minimum wage
If you can’t handle me at my worst you’re really missing out on some interesting things to tell your therapist
Ever tried to pinch a dried yogurt smear off your black leggings and watched in horror as a cloud of dust floated off of them?
Me either. That’d be gross.
Archbishop: If anyone objects to this wedding…
Prince William: Me! Meghan, I adore you!
Prince Harry: Wut?!!! I adore her!Spin Doctors whip out their instruments & huddle together: okay, guys… we’ve been training for this our whole lives!
There’s a police officer trying to get me to roll down my window.
I’m calling the cops.
Scotch neat please
Umm…this is a Starbucks
*sigh
Ok a scotch “grande”
My 5yo just sat down after doing some yard work and said “what a day” so I think he’s a dad now
Wife: Why did you have to cook all of it at once? Not only do we now have to eat 5 pounds of the stuff for breakfast but the whole house smells like bacon!
Me: I’m failing to see what part of this is upsetting
Me: I just used my debit card to buy some running shoes.
Coworker: New Balance?
Me (turning red): Fourteen dollars & 23 cents.