I made a resolution to eat better and exercise in the new year but didn’t specify which year I was referring to.
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mom did you say we had four bouillon cubes or four billion cubes
They should have a surrealist SAT, with questions like:
A train departs the South Pole at sunflower AM while a submarine swallows a cormorant’s wings. Where will they meet?
I DO NOT recommend a talking scale.
My scale: I thought you were on a diet.
Me: I’ve applied for Canadian citizenship
Him: You’ll be sorry
Me: I sure hope so
Go ahead and call HR, I don’t even work here.
Escape rooms because why sit in your house with your kids when you can pay someone to lock you in a room with them and force you all to solve puzzles
me: [flicking through memory book] aww and this is my first pet, hammy the hamster
gf: you know you could have just taken a photo
ladies say I’m a hamster in the sheets because I squeal when I’m uncomfortable and I leave small pellets in the bed
birds can make their homes in tall treetops and soar at great heights and pigeons are like no thank you i will commute by foot to home depot
Me: Happy Easter!
Taylor Swift: I hate Easter! It’s all a lie!
Me: The Jesus thing?
Taylor Swift: Ya… Men don’t come back after 3 Days!
If you love Batman, let him go, because Batman Returns.
*laughing* I bought a baby gate (to keep the dog from eating the cat’s food) but forgot to tell my son. A box was delivered with the words “BABY GATE” on it. I was running errands so he saw the box. I got a call from my horrified son asking “OMG NO Why do you need a BABY gate?”
People should be teaching kids to spell by changing the wifi password every week to something increasingly complicated
Does anyone remember that annoying song Barbie Girl by Aqua?
You do now.
Guy on the plane threw a fit about sitting next to my Therapy Scorpion
Chicago sounds lovely.
You never forget the first 800 people you sacrifice to Satan.
Your Tinder date welcomes you into their bedroom. They excuse themselves and go to the bathroom, leaving you alone on their bed. What is your next move?
A. Lick their Himalayan salt lamp
B. Lick their Himalayan salt lamp
C. Lick their Himalayan salt lamp
D. All of the above
Give it to me straight
“I’d really like to have sex with you-”
Now give it to me gay
“-r boyfriend.”
What we should have feared all along is all the stupid people banding together.
My niece asked me if I was planning on getting banged at the work party
She meant hammered.
Yep! Hammered
*after 7 hours in a Chinese restaurant*
Me to waiter: “Actually, do you think I could have a fork?”
Ever think vampires just lied about hating garlic now we’re just out here seasoning ourselves for them?
I have an irrational fear that I’m accidentally making up words. I don’t want to be misunderstandable.
Just found an egg in my armpit. These kids are getting better and better at hiding them every year.
Google:
“Never run away from a black bear or approach him. Make yourself look as big as possible.”Me:
*hands bear a magnifying glass*
I wish I was Jean Claude Van Damme, not to be able to roundhouse kick my co-worker, but to bore him to death as I act out a scene.
Movie Exec: Give me 3 realistic ideas or you’re fired
Me: A rat becomes a chef
Movie Exec: ok
Me: A dog plays basketball
Movie Exec: Good
Me: A main character has a bottom row locker at school
Movie Exec: Get out
cw: (hanging up the phone) never get married.
me: why?
cw: that was my husband. he called to tell me about the gold panning kit he just bought on amazon.
I’d like to time travel for the sake of mankind but more importantly to stop Brussels sprouts from happening.