its embarrassing that 90% of my Google history is just words I wasnt sure how to spell, and yes I googled embarrassing.
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I gave up watching X-Files after realizing Mulder was NOT actually his own alien-abducted sister who was returned as a boy and was suppressing the memory.
Bow Wow’s full name is actually Boward Woward
Can someone just invent a mirror that takes pictures already!
Either you die or it’s a good trampoline. There’s no in-between.
*Australian accent* Notice the wife in her natural habitat shaming the male husband species into doing what she wants!
I threw out a jar of expired protein powder and some jacked up raccoons beat the shit out of me a week later.
someone just dropped a glass at the hotel breakfast and three different people shouted “buddy!” at the same time. this city rules lol
If I liked one of your pics from 12 weeks ago, doesn’t mean I’m stalking you…It just means you haven’t looked nice in awhile
AM I BEING GASLIT????
Cashier: sir the conveyor belt isn’t meant for riding
Me: I- I gotta know
Cashier: know what?
Me: *sighs* what I’m really worth.
scan me
I love the compliments my boss gives like “wow you’re on time today” and “great job ignoring dress code again”.
Hubs: *under breath* No, no, please noooo…
Me: *about to say “he’s right here” and hand him the phone*
my friend, ted: i hear you’re pretty competitive
me: yeah i guess so
my enemy, ted: want to play a game
On the one hand, I want to exercise and take care of myself. On the other hand, it’s just more years of living on a planet full of morons.
My gym is opening up again, so now I have to go back to not going because I’m lazy.
Why do people leave mattresses on the side of the road? Do they really think someone will take it? Do you think I should wash it first?
God: I made something new. It’s like a tornado, but smaller.
Angel: What do you call it?
God: A toddler.
Kids these days won’t get the trauma of passing notes in class and hoping nobody reads it until it reaches the recipient.
I wish other people my age weren’t so old.
There are two kinds of people. The ones that pack six days before a trip, and the ones that wake up day-of and realize they need to do a load of laundry. And they marry each other.
Just used the phrase “my good coat hanger”, if you’re wondering if I have a Swiss Bank Account.
Why do I keep finding a lone shoe when I’m out hiking? Did someone just choose to abandon their shoe and hop along the trail?
Suddenly your entire body starts to vibrate. To your horror you realize it’s vibrating to the melody of the Benny Hill theme. This goes on for 2 hours, then it stops.
‘That’s enough punishment for now’, I whisper to myself, and put away the kazoodoo doll…
I find the fact Barney and friends got overlooked for every single Jurassic Park movie… bizarre
I went to the bathroom at IKEA and needed an Allen wrench to flush the toilet.
i made a craigslist ad !
God: write this down
Moses [grabs tablet]: shoot
God: thou shalt have no-
Moses: slow down, pal. It’s gonna take me an hour to carve ‘Thou’
Of course I’m desirable, I have many snacks hidden about my person, I’m a veritable buffet!
Me: Your hair smells so good. Which shampoo is that?
My Boss: This is inappropriate
Me: Your skin is so…
My Boss:*Turns off shower* OUT!
My neighbor threw away a stair lift. Unrelated, I can now go from my couch to the bathroom without walking.