I cannot breath, walk, or bend over but DAYUM these skinny jeans look good.
You Might Also Like
*Doorbell rings*
*it’s a regular kid*
“Trick or treat!”
…and what are you supposed to be?
*removes face, revealing an unending void*
HUMAN
Dentist switches lamp on: “Now open wide”
Moth dental assistant: *repeatedly flies into bulb*
Dentist: “This has to stop Denise”
I built an electric fence around my house. My neighbour is dead against it.
I’m teaching 7 it’s ok for a man to cry, & it’s also ok for a man to jump on a table, scream and throw coins at a spider.
*wife wonders where I am in the store*
*hears glass shatter*
*knows where I am*
Just realized my undies are on inside out .. Was gonna change them around . but I figured let the other side get sum action for a change .
Him: I’d take a bullet for you
Me: I’ll allow it.
How to Be Good At Twitter
1. don’t be
2. don’t have that be your goal
3. aim higher
4. seriously, go outside or something
1. Stand in sauna
2. Add 30,000 strangers
3. Take 2 steps every 30 seconds
4. Repeat for 12 hoursCongratulations! How was Disneyworld?
Real friends don’t put their babies on the phone to talk to you
There are 70,000 Jehovah’s Witnesses in Melbourne for a conference. So I’ll be answering the door naked this weekend.
I put two pairs of cargo pants in my cargo pants pockets, just in case I need more cargo pants.
Dealing with your ex before driving across town in traffic is great for the blood pressure…
I ate the last Hot Pocket and left the empty box in the freezer. I think it’s time my kids learn how that shit feels
Me: Dammit I’m not gonna let you die on my watch
Her: *chokes* It’s too late
Me: *leans in close* Get off my watch. It’s a Rolex.
When people are making out in public make things even more awkward by applying chapstick and announcing you’re next
Professor i’d like an extension on my paper. why? well my ex just got married & i have to comment “lame” on all her wedding pics on facebook
I can’t tackle you with a fire suppression blanket unless I practice.
Why’d it take Little Red Riding Hood so long to figure out it wasnt her grandma? I can tell after like 2 questions if its a wolf or my nana
All I’m saying is nothing is more annoying than people who ask “Why do you let them annoy you?”
who sleeps with a chair next to their bed that’s like asking for a dead family member to wake you up at 3am asking what you’re doing with your life
jesus f****** christ i suppose we have to do this shit again
i mean good morning
Sony has announced MORBIUS will be released once a month until their demands are met.
[math class]
How would you order a Subway footlong in metric countries where they don’t have feet?
“By crawling to the counter?”
GET OUT
a man on a dating app just asked how he could find out more about me. he’s going to lose his mind when he finds out about questions
I think someone broke into my apartment and took a bag of almonds.
“This is wrong on sooo many levels” I say to my victims as I rob them at gun point on elevators.
Boss: if you don’t know what to say, slamming your face on the keyboard isn’t a solution
Me: what do you mean?
Love putting on underwear fresh out of the dryer. They’re so warm and cozy, and it’s fun.
* scans the laundromat and guess whose they are.
[Tattoo Parlor]
Me: Hi, I’d like to get a tattoo on my calf.
Calf: *nervous mooing*