The human body is incredible. Right now, if I so desired, I could do 15 percent of a backflip and wreck my shit right here on the sidewalk.
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There are shameless and immoral herring having sex in our ponds and lakes right now and I’d like to know what our elected officials are going to do about it
I’m wondering if other dogs are afraid of Saint Bernards. Not like dog fighting, but morally.
I’m not a cyber-bully but I did change my WiFi network name to “I CAN SEE WHAT YOU ARE GOOGLING STEVE”. Sleep well neighbor. Sleep well.
Why do people say raw sewage. Saying raw makes it sound like it becomes better if cooked properly.
when steven spielberg was my age he was directing Jaws. meanwhile i am posting stuff like “drunk yoda be like ‘good to drive i am, give me the keys you will'”
Please excuse the house, we’re remodeling.
– whenever we have company and are never remodeling
My favorite exchange on Twitter today.
i have feelings for you. frustration mostly, but still
if working for a big corporation has taught me anything, it’s that these multimillionaire business owners won’t get rich if the little people like me sit around on my phone tweeting all day
[first date]
*pointing indiscriminately* “uh-oh looks like we’re on the Kiss Cam”
there’s no-
*leans in*
there’s no Kiss Cam at Applebees
unstable person: “jet fuel doesn’t melt steel beams, 9/11 was an inside job”
stable person: “i look after horses”
You ever look in the mirror suddenly and think
“Damn who yelled Bloody Mary”?
Me: I’m just really tired, like, I only have enough brain power to think “where’s Kate Middleton?”
Therapist: Oh I haven’t really kept up on that
Me: OH HO HO
Victoria’s Secret, how may I help you?
Me: Yeah, um, I ordered the girl on page nine, but you guys only sent me her underpants?
pretty sure no other member of my family knows we own a dishwasher
Who called it anxiety and not revenge of the nerves?
[Interview]
Me: Oh! The time I ate 1/2 a giant birthday cookie cake between the store & home!
Boss: I meant impressive JOB accomplishment.
I like to just appear out of nowhere and say, “this looks like a job for a binder clip.”
My grandad’s battalion avoided capture in Norway by disguising themselves as Christmas trees – they were all highly decorated.
invention of lasagna: what if pasta was a book
Caught my cats filing nuisance lawsuits again.
Pro Tip: wash your hands after you shake mine
Wife: can u unstack the dishwasher?
Me opening dishwasher, taking out large knife & cutting my hand off: I can’t, there’s been an accident.
Burger King is preparing to introduce a new turkey burger. Pigeons are beginning to disappear.
Every month my landlord sends an email letting me know that in these trying and uncertain times rent is still due on the first.
My favorite pizza place burned down last night so I guess this is the beginning of my weight loss journey.
If you were curious about my level of crazy, I woke up from a nap in my recliner and tried to put on a seatbelt.
Amazing how easily that guy scaled Trump Tower. Thank God u can’t get suction cups in Mexico cause then wall idea would be really stupid.
I miss bars. I miss ordering a nice drink and having multiple people ask me if I’m a model. Then more people ask me if I’m a model. Everyone at the bar would start yelling “are you a model?!”until I’d have to stand on the bar and make a formal announcement that I am NOT a model