dry skin? flaky scalp?
discoloration? scaling?
tongue bifurcating all by itself?
hissing? legs fusing together?
recently evicted a gypsy?
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You’re the unreachable booger of people.
I told my wife that if she has any problems she can talk to me like she talks to her girlfriends so we’re discussing why I’m such a idiot.
“I’ve never had a reason to see a therapist”
– People who haven’t met me yet
Her: I like a guy who’s mechanically inclined
Me: *tilts my chair back all the way*
Her: no, I mean good with cars
Me: *hits play on the movie Cars*
Me: The salon had just closed when I got there, so…
Him: Don’t do this.
Me: I didn’t make the cut.
Him: Ugh, I’m married to a dad.
My daughter bit off both ends of her chocolate bunny and is shouting through it like a megaphone, “Hello, is there anybunny in there?”
I’m looking for a school picture package that’s more than 4 wallets and less than 54 wallets & a wall mural.
me: spell “Fanshaw”
British person:
I’d say a good part of my day is spent trying to convince my dog that we’re not about to be murdered by the UPS guy, mailman, squirrels, or the ice dispenser
Murphy’s Law: Whatever can go wrong, will go wrong.
Zoom Law: At least one person on the call must have a screaming baby in the background.
Standing behind a hot guy on a treadmill saying ‘don’t worry baby, I’ll catch you if you fall’ makes him run for a really really long time
Bursting from my chair, I pound a fist on the boardroom table. Everyone’s gasps turn to cheers as I lift my hand to reveal the dead mosquito
Sad how some stick figures get stuck working the hangman game, while others get to have nice families on the back of SUVs
Oh you’re a fan of egg whites? Name 3 of their albumens
This cop is parked illegally behind me with his lights on, I’m going to say something.
I’ve grown more powerful but in a completely useless way.
MOM: How are you doing?
ME: (drinking what may be 2-day old coffee) Amazing!
MOM: Really?!
ME: (stepping over dead body in kitchen) SO good!
Went to an Air & Space museum today, nothing was in there. I asked “So what’s the exhibit?” & the guy was like “You’re breathing it, man.”
the holes in my logic are there so it can breathe
My wife wouldn’t let me sling shot candy at trick or treaters tonight.
This is bullshit.
Capitalism is far from perfect, but how would we find the beginning of a sentence without it?
Raising Twins
Twin 1: *looking at an old photo album* Is this me?
Me: I literally have no idea.
I will be celebrating Columbus Day by setting sail for India, landing in Spain, and telling everyone who lives there to move out.
The pilot’s been taxiing to our gate for 20 minutes, so apparently he landed at the wrong airport and we are driving the rest of the way.
writer: I’m so good at beginnings but never can finish strong
writers wife: *under her breath* ain’t that the truth
My daughter fell hard while we were hiking, so my 3-yr old niece starts punching the ground where she fell and yelling, “I don’t like you hurting my cousin!” She’s gonna be a bodyguard or a felon one day, folks. I’m just not sure which one yet.
you can’t convince me that “starfish” doesn’t mean “kinda starf”
Everything was going exactly as planned and then I woke up.
This recipe takes only 30 minutes.
3.5hrs after preparing all the ingredients, it did indeed take 30 minutes.
FRIEND: Just let her down easy
ME: Ok
[later]
ME: *jumping in bouncy castle* I WANT A DIVORCE, KAREN