Might send husband a nude so he’ll come upstairs. Then I’ll make him help with the laundry.
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I can cut a piece of wood in half just by looking at it.
It’s true, I saw it with my own eyes.
[first date]
Her: I love your scent, what is it?
Me: desperation.
tom cruise struggle to operating a rod and reel and it’s all tangled and messed up. fishin’ impossible
I treat the Steam store like the fridge.
I keep opening it to look even though I know there’s nothing in there I want.
According to science, the most stressful events for an adult are:
-Divorce
-Death of a close family member
-Personal injury or illnessAnd the most stressful events for a kid are:
-Bedtime
-Dad cut the sandwich into rectangles not triangles
-“He’s copying me”
{concert}
eddie vedder: WHO’S READY TO ROCK?!
me (from the mosh pit waiting for my transition lenses to adjust to indoors) GIMME A SEC, ED
Do any ear experts follow me? I clean my ears like once a week and it always looks like someone makes toffee in there. My question is this: is that toffee
After my ex and I broke up, I was in a really bad place (Florida)
[walks into a laundromat with a bag of popcorn kernels and heads straight to the dryers]
Mom Math:
If Child A has 2 scoops of ice cream in his bowl, and child B has 1 3/4 scoops, how many days will Mom have to hear about it?
Newborns cry because they’re being evicted
wife: what time is it
me, trying to set the world record for longest anyone has gone without bending their elbows: you know I can’t see my watch
PHARMACIST : Take this medication with food.
ME : Relax, buddy. I take everything with food.
soldier: is that a picture of your love?
me: *folding a Subway coupon back into my wallet* yeah
Me: It’s just really upsetting that people just assume my dialogue tweets are just jokes and didn’t really happen, you know?
The Pope: Yeah I feel that dude
If I was a sniper, I’d probably spend most of my time looking for cats and making them chase my rifle laser pointer from 2 miles away.
*Computer crashes, I reboot it*
Computer: Windows was not shut down properly.
Me: Don’t put this on me, man.
My friend told his gf he’s giving up valentines day for lent… I know what’s coming so I told him that i’m giving up letting friends sleep on my couch
(Show and Tell)
TEACHER: What do you have to show today?
ME: My pet.
TEACHER: Let’s see it then.
ME: Okay! *opens window* CTHULHU!
*the earth begins to shake*
It’s bath time, darling, fetch me my toaster.
Went for a 4 mile run this morning. Now everything hurts… even my eyelashes.
I’m consistently puzzled by how “you ain’t shit” is an insult while “you’re the shit” is a compliment
Cartoons led me to believe I would have a lot more opportunities to steal pies cooling on window sills
He pulls a gun and demands my wallet
I slowly pull down my t-shirt collar, revealing a shark-tooth necklace
Trembling, he backs away slowly
Some people have no respect. It’s obvious I’m on my phone trying to do something & this guys all “STEP OUT OF THE CAR WITH YOUR HANDS UP!”
I offer kid $1 to do a chore. He sticks dollar in pocket. I get dollar back on laundry day.
Lather. Rinse. Repeat!
– Shout!
-Me:
– Shout!
-Me:
-Let it all out!!!
-Me: *shouting and letting it all out*
-These are the things i can do without.
-Me:
Cop: *with my license* says here you’re supposed to wear glasses
Me: I have contacts
Cop: I don’t care who you know, put your glasses on
Pulling out of the driveway for a two-hour car ride to visit family.
My 5yo from the backseat: “Don’t turn the radio on, Mama. I brought my harmonica so I can play you music.”
ME: i wish girls would flock to me
GENIE: ok
ME [a pumpkin spice latte]: SON OF A