My cat just dragged in a half eaten sausage, I have no idea where he got it from but it tastes expensive.
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Nothing confuses me more than vegan mascara. Who is eating mascara?
Whoa. Wait a minute.
So those stick figures on your car aren’t for pedestrians you ran over?
Damn it!
*starts scraping off her stickers*
When I die, scatter me across my ex’s front lawn. Also, don’t cremate me.
My coworker replaced her chair with an exercise ball to “work her core.”
I’m eating a giant chocolate chip cookie for breakfast.
I win.
[spelling bee]
“Your word is stupid”
ME: Well give me a different one then
“No, that’s your word…stupid”
ME: Maybe you’re the stupid one
What idiot called it a rhyme book & not rapping paper
Cop: Know why I stopped you?
Me: Because of my expired tags? No, I bet it was because I was speeding. Wait, I want to change my answer. It was because I ran that red light, wasn’t it?
Cop: I need another ticket book.
I’ve lost my voice, and I’ve gotta say, everyone at work seems pretty damn happy about it
“Here’s your cup of Joe” – Joe at the sperm bank
at my girlfriend’s house for thanksgiving and i asked if we could watch the game and she said “of course!” then put on a gossip girl thanksgiving episode
ME: The kids have ruined their shoes
WIFE: Again? [sighs] Just throw them out[Later]
ME: Stop crying kids, your mum says you have to leave
Amazing coincidence how the things I agree with are objectively true and the things I disagree with aren’t
No thanks iPhone quick reply… I wasn’t going to reply to that text for days.
Guy on this bus just congratulated his friend for having a birthday. Indeed, congratulations are in order for this unique accomplishment
[Enters Building]
“Excuse…”
*Voice fades*
“… anyone…”
“… how to…”
“… out this…”
“… ving door?”
My drunk neighbour just stumbled into a car, fell and then apologized to the car.
-Only in Canada
Him: When I told you the chicken was good, I lied.
Me: That’s okay. I lied when I said it was chicken.
HARPER LEE: I don’t know what to call my novel
MOCKING BIRD: It’s probably garbage anyway
HARPER LEE [picking up a gun] ok I have one idea
CAMEL 1: Hey can u hold this for me for one sec?
CAMEL 2: I would but I kinda have a lot on my back right now..
CAMEL 1: It’s one straw Marvin don’t be like that
Is it possible to be TOO moisturized, I wonder as I slide off the sofa, out the door, and into oncoming traffic.
After a long day of tweeting I like to relax with a hot cup of wtf am I doing with my life?
I haven’t had a cookie or a piece of Christmas candy in 24 hours. Is this a cleanse?
Protip: if your date is going to throw a drink at your face, at least open your mouth, because hey, free drink.
Dylan Thomas: Do not go gentle into that good night… Rage, rage against the dying of the light…
*cut to me already Hulk-smashing a lamp
Cats be like I could kill you in your sleep and take over the world but I’m also hungry so can you feed me right meow
Not me DoorDashing Taco Bell at 330am and messaging the driver “Please don’t ring the doorbell and wake people up. I don’t want to share.”
– How was school?
4: Trenton said his dad likes to go outside and fight lions
– laughs
– oh honey– nobody would name their kid Trenton
I would be a workaholic but I can’t stand the taste of workahol.
Absolutely no one
Me (3 days later thinking): hmm he never argued against the fact that I said I weigh more than him….
DOG 911: What’s your emer-
DOG: THERE’S WRAPPING PAPER EVERYWHERE
DOG 911: for you to tear up and eat?
DOG: NO THEY’RE THROWING IT ALL AWAY
DOG 911: OMG
DOG: OMG