Cop: Know why I stopped you?
Me: Cuz I’m going too fast?
Cop: Yes, go back a step.
Me: Ok, melt butter and peanut butter in a large pot over medium-low heat. Add marshmallows and stir until melted.
Cop: These Christmas cookies are going to be amazing.
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Walmart: Did you find everything you were looking for?
Me: Well, I couldn’t find-
W: *finger to my lips* Shhh! I don’t actually care.
What’s the normal amount of hair to mail someone? I feel like this is a lot of hair I’m mailing to someone
My wife’s job is to announce our exit is two miles away when we pass a big sign that says our exit is two miles away.
Women who say giving birth is the worst pain imaginable, obviously never waited for a toddler to put on their own shoes.
I dunno…maybe the Mars Rover can find all the spoons and bowls in my kids bedroom.
The meat served in IKEA’s restaurant is made of people who couldn’t find the way out.
Trumpy Cat
I have an on again on again relationship with my couch.
I’ve always wanted to rewrite history but couldn’t decide on the font..
(Gamblers Anonymous meeting)
Leader: Bob, tell us why you’re here.
Me: $20 it’s a Blackjack addiction.
Group: *all rushing to place bets*
What do you call someone waiting in line at the liquor store on the day before Thanksgiving?
Amateur
So much has changed in such a short period of time. But whoa is still spelled whoa.
me: there’s some loud construction work going on in my street, so guess you could say I’m getting hammered
everyone on this work call:
I’m not a narcissist.
But If I was, I would be the best one there ever was.
I won’t take any criticism on this
Diary
June 28 1954
So it turns out my weakness is kryptonite. I can’t tell anybody this.June 30 1954
I accidentally told Lex. Should be ok
No one makes more observations than a child sharing a stall with his mother inside a public restroom.
my kid: I’m so hungry, I’ve never been hungrier, I could eat a horse, no wait I could eat a house, I need food right now
me: ok what do you want
my kid: you have to guess
To all the “cougars” out there, shame on you for not calling yourselves “Thundercats” shame. on. you.
PSA: if visiting family this holiday weekend, only bring up political topics that will outrage all family members for the same reason(s)
‘Always the bridesmaid, never the bride’ is good advice for any best man.
1: ‘Twas the night before xmas, & all thru the house
Dad was trashed on Grey Goose, mom spilled merlot on her blouse
“Bro check out that DILP.”
“Where? Wait what’s a DILP?”
“Dog I’d Like to Pet.”
Guys, you don’t have to be a priest to shoot a baby with a water pistol. Literally anyone can do it.
I assume anyone sitting alone in a car in the dark corner of a grocery store parking lot is waiting to meet a hitman who is running late.
I’m sick of diarrhea. I want to livarrhea.
[dog park]
Go get it, boy!*dog returns with silver watch, silver bracelet & silver necklace*
Ugh, you’re the worst golden retriever ever
when you try to think up jokes about boxing, the punchlines write themselves
#ICertainlyCouldntLiveWithout apparently an uneven fight…🤷♀️
Jousting on horseback except both competitors have party subs.