[first date]
him: I’m sorry about the sushi but your bio said “real fish person”
me, a mermaid: can we just go
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I’ll stop wearing black when they make a darker color
I’ve never been an actor before, but every Saturday I go to Costco and act interested about the food they’re selling so I can eat free samples for lunch.
Feeling lazier than the guy who named the anteater
“What’s this thing eat? Cool.”
That scene where Scar kills Mufasa only it’s me to the crumbs on my shirt
When my therapist asks how my anxiety level has been
Inflatable mattresses are great if you like your bed to slowly eat you.
If you add orange juice to Jason Momoa you get a Jason Mimosa.
white woman who visited India once and owns a bead curtain: Learn to remove negativity from your space. Instead of November learn to say YESvember.
me: that doesn’t make any-
woman: You’re a slave to western medicine. Buy a healing wand from my Etsy. It’s $48 and is a stick.
After my kid listened to that song on repeat for 3 hours, I’m pretty sure the fox said I should take a xanax.
ME: *does something stupid*
I hope no one saw me do thatALSO ME: *texting all my friends* Listen to what I just did
just woke up from a terrible nightmare. was dreaming about a country called “britain” where people eat beans for breakfast and say stuff like “crumpet” and speak a barely intelligible version of english. thank god that’s not real
Funny how the more time we spend at home, the more we look like homeless people.
Hey girl are you Bruschetta because you give me aggressive heartburn and i cant pronounce your name
I’ve been on my best behavior ever since the words “you can be charged as an adult” applied to me
Tinder is a food delivery app if you’re good at it.
Washing instructions: Hand wash only.
Me: We’ll see about that.
*Me coming home with a Bloodied nose*
Wife: OMG, Are you OK?
Me: I’m fine, You should see the other Guy!
Wife: I agree, He’s taller and better looking.
Me: Wait, What??
just watched a movie where the guy has Alzheimer’s and it was randomly jumping and repeating scenes and I was like, well duh, cause he has Alzheimer’s. it’s just an artistic thing by the director. It was not. The chrome cast is just broken and I sat through almost two hours of it
people say they’re “over the moon” when they’re happy, but it’s a lie; the moon is one of those things you will never truly get over
Brandy Carlile implies the existence of Whiskey Buscrocodile.
Me: You don’t have to tell me twice.
Narrator: 38 times. You have to tell her 38 times.
Date: So what do you do for fun?
Me: [Flashes back to me tightly strapping a Rolex around a quail]
I love bird watching.
KID: *finds Santa suit in my closet* See, I knew he wasn’t real.
ME: *nervously remembering shooting Santa off my roof the year before when I thought he was a burglar* Haha. Yeah.
“Nothing tastes as good as skinny feels.”
That’s a cute saying, Janet, but have you had carbohydrates?
Sit. Down.
The car you buy should say something about you, and not just ramble on about itself like you’re not even there.
I’m sorry I snort-laughed when you were saying your vows.
evil queen: would you like an apple?
me [is snow white]: nah not really
evil queen: but it’s a magic wishing apple!
me: meh, even so
When I play the kazoo, I play to win
Why are people scared of flying?! The Earth is a giant spaceship with no pilots. That’s way scarier.
SUBWAY EMPLOYEE: What would you like-
ME: I’D LIKE TO CREATE A SHOW ABOUT DOGS COOKING PIZZAS
SE: -on your sub?
ME: PUPPERONI