I miss the days when my 2yo didn’t have opinions and I could dress him in whatever I wanted.
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Nearly one in two marriages end in divorce, so statistically it isn’t enough to make sure your own marriage is good, real wed-heads should actively be working to break other couples up.
Me: I think you should have a long bath tonight
Son: but we’ve only a got a regular-sized one
Me: I’ve never been prouder of you
Netflix should double as a dating site and be like “here are 9 other singles in your area that watched LOST for the past 11 hours.”
The Grapes of Wrath 2: The Raisins of Revenge
I imagine by now all you Evian drinkers have read the name backwards?
Somehow, I must have switched shopping carts while I was at the store. I don’t remember buying any of this stuff.
Or having an Asian baby.
real
Calling bullshit on movies. Not once have I walked into a public restroom and found a gun taped to the back of the toilet.
[Office meeting]
*I stride in, straddle a chair:
Yo Guys. Listen upBoss: Turn around Frank. We can’t hear you when you’re facing the wall
Yesterday I taught my boss to play Angry Birds. Today, she “couldn’t make it in to work.” This is called managing upwards, people.
“Get a load of this guy!”- Receptionist at a sperm bank.
Look me in the eye and tell me you love me…
No, not the glass one.
I lost the birth video of my son so I’m at the labour ward hoping to recreate it. I’ll just zoom in close so my wife won’t be able to tell.
My Canadian 4yo just told me he wants to be Captain America if anyone wants to take a traitor off my hands.
DR DOG: *gives kid patient a sucker*
MOM: what do u say
KID: thanks mr dog
DD: kid I didnt go to med school for 56 years to be called Mr Dog
Someone once asked me if I was drunk.
I said yes.
That was the shortest job interview I’ve ever had.
I got a bracelet that posts where I ran, and how far to facebook, and I put it on a deer. So it just looks like I’m lost in the woods.
Me: How long should I microwave this for?
Popcorn instructions: How should we know?
i understand that my body can’t digest corn or whatever. that’s fine. my issue is that i f****** chewed it. how the hell is it coming out back in the shape of corn. what are they not telling us
Slave: I know a way to escape
Hipster slave: My friend Harriet has a better way. You probably haven’t heard of it. It’s really underground.
tim apple: use iphone 14 satellite calling when you get stranded in the wilderness
me who hasn’t left my house in 2 years: I must have this
Whew, call me a Boeing 737 cause I’m barely holding it together
[first day as a loan shark] I’ve got you down for 500 sharks
I always blame other people for my problems and it’s all your fault.
Watching all these killer whales attacking boats is giving me an orcasm. I’m sorry.
me: do you take walk-ins
dude at the crematorium: what
You’re adorable, but not as adorable as my library app thinking I’ll be able to read Stephen King’s ‘The Stand’ in two weeks.
DOCTOR: I have some bad news. You have HIV
ROMAN: What?!
DOCTOR: Do you have any questions at this time?
ROMAN: Yes, wtf is H4?
Me: I’m gonna take a nap
Him: ok I’ll go in the next room and make lots of noise
Twitter dot com. *sigh*