It’s the best dill pickle ever, but the restaurant won’t tell me what kind it is. To what lengths will I go to find out? None.
You Might Also Like
I bet squirrels walk at a leisurely pace when no one is looking.
Where have you been all my life? Please go back there.
Professor X: So what’s your power?
Me: I can heal immediately-
X: Oh, we already have someone that can do that.
Me: -from any emotional wounds.
X: That’s dumb. You can’t join the team.
Me: I’m completely ok with that.
*Snowman wakes up in hospital*
“What happened to me?!”
Snow Doctor: Don’t worry you’re fine. But… what did you think a snow blower did?
Of course my summer body is ready, it’s the same as my winter body but sweatier.
4 said he went potty and I asked if it was number one or number two. He said number 7, and now I’m terrified to go into the bathroom.
i don’t understand the desire to rock climb. we have stairs for that now. solved problem
They take Opposite Day seriously here at El Sol. I love sushi/getting paid to eat, but the dead mariachi band is something of a mood-killer.
If Justin Beiber and Rebecca Black were both drowning and you could only save one, would you grab a bite to eat or finish mowing the lawn?
Are we sure the wise men who brought frankincense and myrrh weren’t just trying to sign Mary up for their essential oils pyramid scheme?
Everyone’s a badass until Mufasa dies.
a little girl walked up to me at the grocery store calling me “mommy” and her dad came up behind her and said “no she’s at home why am i not enough” LMAOOOOOOOO
Opened the lint filter on my dryer after washing my dog’s bedding and another dog fell out.
I’ve been inventing problems to hide the fact that I spend all my time on twitter. But it’s cool because now my kid thinks I know how to fix the leaky drip tray on the piano and can properly set a fallen eagle’s broken wing.
Juliet: *Sees Romeo’s lifeless body* Eh, it was like 4 days.
Shakespeare: *From overhead* No, you’re distraught! You also want to kill yourself.
J: But, I’m only 13!
S: C’mon you agreed to this. You’re the lead!
J: Fine! *plunges dagger into heart*
– Shakespeare Pressure
I’m never more in denial than when I pack running clothes for a weekend trip to the beach.
EMPEROR PENGUIN: [addressing huddled penguins] The hairless ape’s fires melt our icy kingdom…no more
*raises sword*
FLIGHTLESS NOT FIGHTLESS
The first rule of Running Late Club is get stuck behind a Prius.
It’s important to teach your children math so they can better understand what episode of Star Wars they are watching.
If you’re pure of heart you can put almost anything in the recycling
“you changed” yeah i thought 3 days in the same outfit was kinda pushing it
Nothing makes me more proud of my son’s sense of humor, than when he asks me for help with his algebra homework.
[Opens hand sanitiser]
SUbmiT YoUr SOuL
tO EternAL HeLL fiRe
[closes lid]
wtf?
[looks at label]
LINDA YOU BOUGHT HAND SATANISER AGAIN
The human mind is capable of things you can’t even imagine.
Which is a bit of a design flaw really.
DAD: I invented a diaper that’s also a time machine!
MOM: Where do the poops go
DAD: dunno!
[CUT TO: A BUNKER IN GERMANY, 1942]
HITLER: omfg
What I thought I’d want my kids to learn: kindness, compassion, empathy
What I actually want them to learn: to flush the toilet and turn off a goddamn light
The hardest part of potty training my puppy is shitting outside with him so he can learn how to
I’ll judge you by the way you treat people.
Also by your music and book preferences, but mostly the first thing.
*trying a new meal*
Wife: how do you like it?
Son: *hesitating* my water’s pretty good