birth certificates really the most pointless thing, why i gotta prove to you i was born bro i’m right here
You Might Also Like
Twitter is the new Circuit City grift 🤣
Going to keep letting animals bite me until I get super powers.
Any cults got something wild planned for the eclipse? I’m trying to find the good estate sales.
Thrilled that my 5YO started reading chapter books.
Terrified that she’ll find out the words, pages and chapters I skipped during bedtime routine
Post-it Note stuck to desk: Stop wasting Post-it Notes!
I thought I was getting myself a new couch but apparently I was getting my dog a new bed
Ghost Hunter is a cool job because as a kid I always thought how fun it would be to play make believe and get paid for it
[helping a pretty girl change a flat tire]
me struggling to loosen lug nuts: Who put these on… Superman?
her: I did
Me: This dating app doesn’t send me any good matches.
Friend: That’s an Etch-A-Sketch.
[1st date]
Her: so u play piano?
Him: yep
Her: is it hard?
Him: that’s pretty forward but yeah, as a rock
Her: I meant playing piano
Him: oh
[Antarctic Courtroom]
Polar Bear: “You hated your wife didn’t you, Pingu!”
Walrus Judge: “Careful Mr Prosecutor. You’re on very thin ice”
Polar Bear: “Your honor, permission to approach the bench”
Walrus: “No. I…”
*Polar Bear takes step forward, plunges through melting ice
CHASE: Hi we are calling to check for fraud you spent $40 at 7/11
ME: Yea
CHASE: Then you went to Taco Bell at 3am
ME: Are these questions
sometimes when I think that I might be about to do something stupid or ill-advised, I think of grandma’s last words to me: “don’t unplug that”
Manipulate the interview process by arriving with baked goods.
Grampa always said, “when you leave the house make sure you’re wearing clean underwear…. otherwise the raccoons will attack your anus”.
Grampa lived a weird life.
employee: over 100 ppl were killed by the dinosaurs again
CEO: my God
[10yrs later]
CEO: what if we made a dinosaur theme park again lmao
[restaurant]
Waiter: Chicken?
Me: No I’ll fight you RIGHT NOW
DATE: {seductively} What’s your type?
ME: {seductively} One sec.
[2 minutes later]
ME: Ok yeah, love you, no I’m on a date, mom she’s the one trust me, thanks again, ok bye. {turns to date} She said B positive.
Think I pulled my liver
*breaking up with BF
I’ll never forget you David.
‘My name is Jason’
Goodbye John.
Got introduced to a person at work then immediately forgot his name, so now I have to hire a private investigator to follow him home and find out his name because I am a guy and guys will never admit we forgot your name
My husband is looking for the remote control. I need everyone to stand up for a minute.
*watching Dateline* wow this is the worst dating show ever
Mouse astronaut, six seconds after setting foot on the moon: I have been lied to
Amazing how each of the kids in Willy Wonka was written to represent a different deadly sin: pride, gluttony, sloth, chewing gum until you become a blueberry, greed, etc.
Nights in white satin, but it’s me falling off the bed again
My doctor is always whispering to me something about not sticking Q tips in my ears. I need a louder doctor
Me: it’s not about how many times you fall, it’s about how many times you get back up
cop: that’s not how field sobriety tests work
me: let’s get some gorilla glue
horse: oh thank god
You can’t buy gifts from a sex offender registry. I know this now.