My girlfriend told me I was getting sex today. Oops. I better not jinx it.
*knocks on morning wood*
You Might Also Like
Your name is just a compromise. It’s the one both your parents didn’t hate.
Mom used to say the only accessory a fashionable girl needs is a virtuous reputation. But it’s bracelets.
If my dog knew how many photos I have of him sleeping, he’d file a restraining order against me.
Meatloaf wouldn’t have looked so winded if he’d just named the one thing he won’t do, instead of listing everything he would.
Any dinner can be a murder mystery dinner if you’re ambitious enough.
Whenever people say they’re willing to do “whatever it takes” to “make it in Hollywood” they never mean “patiently work on their craft”.
geologists have had it too easy for too long. discover a new rock or i will riot
I can’t believe someone had the audacity to tell ME *gestures wildly at self* that I’m dramatic
i’m addicted to Youtubers who think their catchphrase is truly like “hey guys” and then they release merch that says “hey guys” and it sells out and they make $1 million and then they get to go to the doctor and I don’t
People hate on frozen pizza. It’s tough on the teeth, but so refreshing on a hot summer day.
I just ate what I thought was a feta cheese crumble from my salad off my shirt. Turns out it was deodorant. So how’s your day going?
If your job doesn’t have a dress code, start wearing scrubs to it. Don’t say anything just do it and don’t answer any questions about it either
6YO: My tummy hurts
Me: Must be the bag of cookies you ate
6YO: It’s the other one, not my cookie tummy
How do u make a Pirate angry?
Take the P out of him.
Nobody:
5-year-old: What happens if you rub butter on a penguin?
In an alternate universe, people in horror movies make fun of our choices.
Facebook: I’m happy!
Instagram: I’m pretty!
Vine: I’m artsy!
Pinterest: I’m crafty!
Twitter: I’m lying everywhere but here.
ME: You see, I’m playing both sides
FLUTE INSTRUCTOR: how did you get the whole thing in your mouth
when all of your friends are at a bar that doesn’t allow you inside because one time you brought a sword in there
UPDATE: My wife’s resolution to yell at the kids less has just taken a very bad turn.
Me: Would you like chopsticks or a fork
My son: No thanks
Whatd I do for Halloween, I hear you ask?
Cleaned off the porch & fed the birds.But like, scarily. Or whatever.
So let me get this straight: Trump supporters are butt hurt because someone overgeneralized them and called them a mean name? Oh, the irony.
If McDonald’s and Burger King get into a turf war, is that a ground beef?
Dave: I don’t want to sound stupid….
Me: Then stop right there and say nothing.
Life got you down? Just remember that you will never be as confused and sad as the friends and relatives of the world’s first clown.
If you force me to choose sides, I’d choose mashed potatoes.
The Discovery Channel should be on a different channel every day
interviewer: it says here u have a number of skills
me: yes, that number is zero