There’s a bag of Hersey’s chocolate in the kitchen.
I’ve been smothering myself with kisses.
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I wanted to make my apartment feel more like a hotel, so I charged myself $40 for a cheese plate and watched the second half of Gladiator
My sense of humor is so dark that my grandmother would have been very unhappy if my sister went on a date with it.
IKEA challenge: assemble anything with drawers
IKEA double challenge: add cats
IKEA triple challenge: now wine
Costco: The most expensive place in the world to save money.
Pro Tip: don’t fall asleep during the middle of an argument with your spouse over whether or not you pay attention to her.
When you’re watching Scooby-Doo and the scary part comes on.
A spinal surgery practice called Build Back Better.
[At Last Supper]
*Jesus raises bread*
This is my body
*raises wine*
& my blood
*pulls out 8 of Clubs*
& this is your card
*Apostles go nuts*
Breaking Bad – Season 05 Episode 14 – Frame 640 of 2834
seems the leprechauns have supply chain issues just like everybody else
Wanna terrify a homeless dude? Dress as a grocery store clerk and pretend to scan all the stuff in his shopping cart
The Bachelor would be a much better show if there was one woman who was a secret saboteur actively trying to wreck The Bachelor’s life.
Autocorrect changed “stranger” to “strangler” & it made me wonder how often I must have written about murdering people to teach it that.
I think it’s bad coaching to tell kids to choke up on the bat. matter of fact i don’t think children should be eating baseball bats at all.
Goats will be chewing while looking at you like they have seen you somewhere.
My 5 year plan is to get an amp for my bass. That fish sure does love his energy drinks
It amazes me how the moon controls the tides from hundreds of thousands of miles away…
yet, it’s a struggle to get my kid to pick up toys from only a few feet away
Him: So you’re a sandwich artist? You mean you work at Subway?
Me: *painting a landscape with a footlong Italian B.M.T.*
Selfies are just sad reminders that you have no friends willing to take pictures of your face and cleavage.
[2 cavemen]
Look what me discover! This game changer!
*grabs it* “This hot! Burn fingers. What you call it?”
*takes back mixtape* FIRE!
Cop: Are you drunk?
Me: Could a drunk person do this? *I just piss my pants*
Cop: WOW. Yes actually.
Me: That was supposed to be a backflip
Me: I think I’ll leave my car windows cracked so it’s not so hot later
Pollen: lol, ok
Relax TV weatherman with your sciencey explanation of today’s fog. It’s a cloud on the ground, just say it. Help me not hate you.
I have never seen an alcohol company using a drunk person for any advertising, are they ashamed of their customers?
I’ve never had a better karate instructor than a spider web.
Genie: Alright, you know the drill, 3 rules: no wishing for death, no falling in love, no bringing anyone back from the dead
Me: I wish my socks were tongues 🙂
Genie:
Genie: There are 4 rules
Dog: Uh oh. Gonna puke.
Cat: OK, what you wanna do is, keep walking. Puke every ten feet or so. Make sure you get under the bed.
Boss pissed me off at work today
Might microwave a tuna sandwich and leave early
*playing hide & seek with my group*
5: I’m only going to count to ten
Me: why?
5: because I haven’t grown more fingers yet
*First day as a forest ranger*
Me: *using radio* I found a badly mangled buck out here
Boss: That means there’s a bear nearby
Me: Yep *narrows eyes* and it hates money