Kylie Jenner is having a Handmaids Tale themed birthday party and Justin Bieber wants to fight Tom Cruise and boy howdy is that meteor late
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The neighbor has a sign next to the sidewalk under his tree reading, “Caution, this tree has a history of dropping branches.” A “history”? Does this tree have a rap sheet? Is he a bad influence on my trees?
The neighbor kid talks a lot of shit for someone who isn’t allowed to leave the yard.
Cookies from Best to Worst:
1. Chocolate chip
2. Girl Scout
3. Oreos
…
…
727. Browser
728. Tossed
729. Raisin
[Michael Cera melting like a slug because there’s too much salt on his fries]
[Halloween]
Lady: what are you this this year?
Me: *dressed as a phone battery meter* I’m at 10% and it’s only 7pm.
Lady: *faints*
*Calling from the bakery
Me: “Honey, can I get you something: a muffin, eclair, a cupcake?”
Her: “Surprise me!”
Me: “Last summer I got drunk, and had sex with your mother”
911: What’s your emergency?
Me: I brought a girl home last night
911: That’s not an-
Me: NOW SHE WON’T LEAVE!
*swat team busts down my door*
Keep your friends close, and your enemies closer. Marry your enemy. Grow old together. Watch your enemy die.
How bold of you to assume I care, I tell my aloe plant who’s wife just cheated on him (allegedly).
family fistfights brought to you by Monopoly
When I get naked in the bathroom, the shower usually gets turned on.
I carry a bar of soap in my pocket so when someone tries to talk to me I can pull it out and say someone is paging me and leave.
Some tattoo artists need to just say, “no, I’m not doing this shit.”
I love giving my roomba a little spoonfull of peanut butter and watching it work so hard it’s the cutest
Friend: you know what would suck
Me: yes, being a claustrophobic turtle
Friend:
Me:
Friend: how do you even function
Old man reading a newspaper looks at me, and says, ‘The society has a long way to go.’ I told him, ‘I know — I’m from the future’
The greatest trick The Devil ever pulled was NOT letting his friends and family know he was good with computers.
I’ve been secretly moving my clocks ahead one minute every day since June so we can celebrate New Year’s and get all the kids to bed 3-1/2 hours early without them knowing.
My kids are doing things in Minecraft that are likely serial killer warning signs.
The correct response to the question “Are you Ticklish?” Is letting the person know you have a firearm
I’m so unpopular at school they call me “Batteries”.
I’m never included in anything.
OMG IT’S GOING TO KILL US ALL!!
~ My dog every time I use a broom
man: you buried my grandmother in the wrong plot
me: you could say I made a *looks to camera* grave mistake
man: and her body has been stolen
me: that’s a *winks* grave miss take
man: and someone spilled drink on her coffin
me: *slurping straw* that’s a grave milkshake
Your skull is only a centimeter thick and other reassurances.
Doctor: serious side effects of this medication can include death
Me: I’ll take it
Did you guys ever prank your passed out friend by putting his hand in a bowl of warm water and then dropping a tiny toaster in it?
Whoa new Barbie movie cast is stacked
I got pulled over for the first time in my life today.
I thought: what would Twitter tell me to do?
I decided against all those options and took the ticket.
Eve: I got an Apple.
Adam: …
Eve: …
Adam: …
Eve: What?
Adam: I thought we’d decided on Android.
Eve: The serpent said this was better.
Me: I’m way tougher than you.
Wife: I gave birth twice without an epidural.
Me: So?
Wife: You called in sick for an ice cream headache.