[Lying on a bed of expensive Vitctoria’s Secret panties]
Me: This is absolutely magnificent.
[Alarm clock sounds. Wakes up on a bed of dollar store panties]
Me: This is pretty alright I guess.
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Child: [misbehaving]
Me [picking up phone]: That’s it, I’m calling Santa.
Child: Dad I’m 19.
[getting car jacked] umm i know i’m supposed to resist and all but if we don’t cooperate we’re both gonna miss McDonalds breakfast so hop in
i’m kinda confused by all the hbo max tweets. i thought we agreed to be poor together
I’ve noticed that my parents talk about ‘the good old days’, they always seem to stop at 1979. Which is great, because that’s also the year I was born,wait… What?
I plan the silliest murders in my dreams because all I have to do to get away with it is wake up.
God: go forth and multiply
Me: I was told there would be no math.
“On my way” I said, pretending to drive my bed.
him: will you at least act normal when my folks get here
me: *flipping a pancake and reading it like a tarot card* bad news
me: I’m not feeling well
doctor: take your glove off
Happy St. Paddy’s Day, everyone. I stayed in tonight. I’m not allowed to go out on St. Paddy’s Day anymore. It’s too much.
I am fluent in three languages…english, sarcasm, and profanity
Don’t forget to tip your server
I suffer from premature procrastination. It’s when you procrastinate before even receiving a task…
People who finish their entire stick of lip balm without losing it first should be the only ones allowed to have kids.
What idiot called it Santa’s holiday and not his sleighcation?
Pro Tip:
If you stab yourself in the thigh with your pen you get to leave the meeting.
If someone is choking the best thing to do is ask them if they’re okay repeatedly then if that fails give a concerned look until resolved.
Warning:
This movie contains “Adult Themes” such as interest rates, bad knees, back pain, and excitement about going to bed early.
There were kids who did cartwheels.
There were kids who didn’t do cartwheels.
There were kids who thought they were doing cartwheels.
[Victora’s Secret]
Wife: You’re the most supportive person I know.
*A person made of bras walks by*
Me: Um what about that guy?
Who called them dentures and not substitooths?
I’d be fine with a ghost living with me if each time a bloody message appeared it was something helpful like YOUR KEYS ARE IN THE FRONT DOOR
If we’re sharing dessert at a restaurant and you’re eating it at a quicker rate than me, I will kill you.
One day I’m gonna write a book about a recipe blogger that confesses to murder in every single recipe on their website but they never get caught because no one reads the 12 pages of text before the recipe.
[ restaurant ]
him: how long for a table
me: about 8 feet
him: no the wait
me: ah, 90 lbs
I shaved my legs today and drew the hair back on. I don’t get it, eyebrow ladies, I don’t get it.
Money was so tight last Xmas I had to sell a kidney for gifts. And this year it’s getting so bad, I may even have to sell one of my own.
Be extra nice to retail workers this week. It’s not their fault you waited until the last minute to shop for a holiday that has fallen on the same day every year since you were born
me: babe get your finger measured
her: [hopeful] is it for what i think it is?
me: [ordering custom puppets] you’ll see
If you use the iPhone 6 upside down, boom, iPhone 9.