If two women are fighting, put them in the bathroom. Women get along very well in bathrooms
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I relate to #PizzaRat because if I found a slice of pizza as big as a car you can bet I’d try my best to take that thing home.
*accidentally summons malevolent demon at a séance*
I WILL HAUNT YOUR HOME FOREVER!
[4 days later]
YOU KNOW, YOU COULD CLEAN UP OCCASIONALLY
My wife takes 13 bikinis for a 4-day beach trip. Meanwhile, I’m rocking the swimming trunks my mom bought at K-Mart in 1991.
when no one’s looking worms use shovels to dig
The Facebook emojis are stages of dating-marriage-divorce
Me recordaron éste meme
Men: nothing is sexier than a woman with a great sense of humor
Also men: except, like, a really sexy woman
Eve: I got an Apple.
Adam: …
Eve: …
Adam: …
Eve: What?
Adam: I thought we’d decided on Android.
Eve: The serpent said this was better.
And then one day we decided we were tired of sleeping in and doing whatever we wanted whenever we wanted in a clean house, and we had kids.
I find it creepy that everything Bryan Adams does, he does it for me.
My dog wants to register me as her emotional support animal. She’s already called the vet for the required paperwork and ordered me a vest.
What did the blanket say as it fell off the bed?
Oh sheet.
If I could live vicariously through someone, I would pick someone who gets to sleep through the night.
“And this is my creepy husband, John.”
(The way my friend should introduce her husband)
Being a diabetic has proved to be difficult. For example, I can’t have a sugar daddy.
here is what. i plan to accomplish today:
2. bark loudly. but at nothing
7. lose my ball under the couch
7b. politely ask the human. to get my ball
3. immediately lose it again. under the same couch
4. big nap. you have worked hard
2. repeat
*sees girl at bar*
Hey baby, wanna get outta here?
“Sure!”
Good, you’re really killing the vibe.
me: omg did you just steal that from the kitchenware department? you could’ve got caught!
him: what can I say, I’m a whisk taker
My dog licked the crumbs out of my computer keyboard & earned an online college degree.
My brain: I will not pick this pimple
My brain: I will not pick this pimple
My brain: I will not pick this pimpleMy fingers: so we did a thing
No one has more false hope than a Mom that brings three books on her beach vacation.
What
CASHIER: $57.85
ME: do u accept food stamps
C: of course
M: sweet *presses my apple stamper to an ink pad* which hand do u want it on
Mispronouncing words is kind of my forty
Me doing a heist: which one of us is gonna be British
Dracula: I vant to suck your blood!
Me, a waiter: Is Pepsi okay?
Dracula: *sighing* I guess.
I love when people tell me to get my act together and I’m like who the hell is acting geez.
you know that feeling, as a kid, you’re out shopping with your mom, and
shopkeeper, be like $1,200,
then mom, without shame, be like $17.so you jump to death from the check-out desk.
Officer: do you know why I pulled you over
Me: the warrant probably
Officer: you have a broken- what
Me: what
I used to think LOL meant lots of love.
Oh! You’re Aunt died? So sorry. LOL!Took me years to rebuild friendships.