“A clean desk is a sign of a cluttered drawer .”
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Terminator: “Come with me if you want to live.”
Me: “Oh, no thank you.”
i can promise you i will never love anyone enough to ride a tandem bike with them
My husband thinks he can just order me around like he’s one of the cats.
“what do you do for fun?”
“oh…lots of things…like…like…” *backs slowly away until i fall off a ledge*
Whatever happened to that little girl from The Ring, did she grow up to be Kristen Stewart?
Sometimes going with the flow you end up in a sewer.
I suffer from premature procrastination. It’s when you procrastinate before even receiving a task…
Social distancing in Australia:
You have an October wedding, I’m bringing a 12 ft skeleton as my plus-one, Tamantha.
me: I bought a gun because of my bird phobia
therapist: you might be getting carried away
me: *firing into the ceiling* not without a fight
[Thor Love and Thunder]
me: *buying tickets for me and 3 friends* FOUR FOR THOR 4 at 4:44 POR FAVOR SEÑOR
cinema guy: please stop doing this
DIVING INSTRUCTOR: Does anyone know how to defend a shark attack?
ME: I would say the shark was just acting on instinct & couldn’t help it
[on shark tank]
Me: A thermostat that’s impossible to change
Baby shark: I’m out
Mommy shark: I’m out
Daddy shark: …Go on
If whisky can damage your short term memory, just think what whisky can do.
I relate to #PizzaRat because if I found a slice of pizza as big as a car you can bet I’d try my best to take that thing home.
A lonely rooster sees neon sign flashing HOT CHICKEN STRIPS, walks into Popeyes and cringes in horror as he drops his dollar bills
My IQ used to be higher than my weight, but now I’m fat and dumb.
Put the is in disheveled
ME: [licking lips in anticipation] I’m nervous. I’ve never done a bungee jump before.
INSTRUCTOR: don’t lick my lips again.
The internet is cool because you can make a joke about cannibalism being bad and someone will respond with, “Actually, it’s racist NOT to eat people.” And you’re 95% sure he’s just the dumbest person alive but you still have to google for 20 minutes to make sure you’re not racist
If you don’t like your son, grab a football and tell him to go long. Never throw it. He’s gone now.
Quick! Does anyone know how I can get red wine off of my date’s white cat?!
Don’t feel special. I flirt with old people and family members too.
Me: You got that talent from me!
13yo: Don’t take credit for my genuis!
For fun, I steal my married friends phones & change my name to
‘Brandy from the club’
then repeatedly call them & hang up at 3am.#topahole
I got a flu shot yesterday but have not started flying. It’s a bit misleading.
[God creating teenagers]
What’s the most expensive way to be ignored?
So you think makeup is “lying”
Sir, if you believe I was born with sparkles on my eyelids and blue lips, that’s on you
Me: Wanna high five with our hearts?
Teammate: For the last time. It’s called a chest bump.
Why go out and be a 3rd wheel when you can stay home and be a unicycle?