Sorry I smacked your face with a rolled up newspaper.
Maybe a little less mascara next time… I have arachnophobia.
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SINCERE STUPID QUESTION:
was peter parker funny and quippy like he is when fighting as spider-man BEFORE he got his powers also, or did he get some kind of enhanced spider-sense of humor?
ARE SPIDERS VERY FUNNY NATURALLY?
What ever happened to simple filters like Black and white or Sepia? Now I need to choose from Funfetti Hufflepuff or Pixie Rave Donkey Punch.
3-in-1 shampoo/conditioner/KFC gravy
I was one of the crew members on the Lost series. Don’t worry, you’re not alone, nobody on the crew understood the ending either.
Son, your insistence on dismembering all of your siblings is tearing this family apart!
Me: I’m not paying someone to do this job when I can do it myself.
Me, 30 minutes into job: I will pay someone all my money.
I picked up & ate a huge piece of baklava at a coffee shop while standing at the register because I thought they were free samples. I chowed down on that thing in silence while the cashier just stared at me.
The body is 70% water..
So cool, you’re not fat you’re just flooded..
Please give us space to grieve as I “made” my 7 yr old lose his basketball video game this morning by asking his brother if he wants watermelon with his French toast in the next room.
It’s that pottery scene from Ghost except it’s me standing behind the Subway sandwich artist helping him make my sandwich.
If my name was Pooh I wouldn’t wear pants either
Do you think Ariel ate the scallops whose shells she wears as a bra or that she just found them?
Waiter: I meant any questions about our menu.
Date *sitting on couch* I love scary movies
Me: ok but this is pretty dark, it’s about a boy plagued by haunted dolls
Date: Sounds good!
Me: The cowboy one is called Woody
Breaking news:
If you tell someone “nice shirt” and they don’t look down at it you’re talking to a robot.
My family is getting a crash course in watching me perform musicals all day, which is not something they knew I did, and my 10 year old feels vindicated because she always SENSED that I was deeply embarrassing, but didn’t know why until now.
If I were a gunslinger I’d bedazzle my holster. The other killers wouldn’t take me seriously, maybe think I’m just packing a glue gun. Big mistake.
We need a kids TV show about a kid who can sit quietly in a shopping cart for 25 minutes.
Either you’re giving me butterflies or that chicken was bad
If I ever had to fight a bear I hope it’s a gummie bear.
MOM: I hope you brought an appetite!
ME: I have spent a year studying a snake’s ability to unhinge its jaw to swallow food larger than its own head
GRANDMA: so, still single
What if Baby Shark was by Lady Gaga? 🦈⚡️
A conversation with your ex is a great way to clear the air, set aside hard feelings, and remind yourself why you drink.
Having kids is like hoping for the Little House on the Prairie but getting Lord of the Flies instead.
I’m “I lost my car in a parking lot” years old
*clicks alarm, clicks alarm*
*silence*
Am I even in the right parking lot?
I’m the opposite of clingy, I’m spacious.
My new table from Ikea is actually just the unopened box with a tablecloth thrown over it.
Funny you should ask, I do have extra body bags.
“Miss me yet?” – 2019
I love greens, but not in a sexual way
Platonic salads, so to speak