Pretending I’m eating a salad by putting some lettuce in a bowl of candied walnuts.
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teacher: are u a visual thinker, auditory thinker, or kinesthetic thinker
me: oh im not a thinker
Does anyone ever finish a jar of Vaseline? I’m still working on the one my great-grandpa passed down to me.
[first day on SWAT team]
SWAT #1: The target is inside.
SWAT #2: Let’s break down the door.
ME: I got this… [knocks] “GIRL SCOUT COOKIES!”<door flies open>
My mom used to beat me with a camera.
I still get flashbacks.
Our 5 year old seems to have deemed himself the local virus warden.
Over the fence to our neighbour:
‘JEAN YOU NEED TO GO INSIDE’
‘Okay I will in a minute’
‘YOU’RE OLD AND THERE’S A VIRUS’
‘I’m not that old thank you’
‘HOW OLD ARE YOU JEAN?’
‘I’m 68.’
‘THAT IS NEARLY 70 JEAN.’
911 what’s your emergency?
I FARTED ON THE FIRST DATE.
Ma’am we don’t–
IT SOUNDED LIKE A BALLOON ANIMAL ASKING A QUESTION
My 4yo was pretending to be a cat before bed, then meowed a few times in his sleep. Now that is commitment to a bit
I’ve found the perfect way to keep my plants healthy. I leave them at the garden center as nature intended.
therapist: so, when did your fixation with marbles begin
her: [mouthful of marbles] hard to say
Gramps’ head was chopped off by a helicopter blade and same with his dad and his dad before him. So no Rod, you can’t go to helicopter camp.
The only way Congress will ever pass common sense gun control is if they’re threatened at gunpoint
“The bond’s Name. James Name”
Pleased to… what?
“Bond Name’s the james”
Are you alright?
“Bames Nond’s having a stronk, call a Bondulance”
The worst thing about admitting you’re an alcoholic is that people will expect you to stop drinking.
I just wish my ex-wife could look down from Heaven and see me
now.But no, she’s still alive.
Me: Strengths? I never vomit when I’m nervous. *vomits*
HR guy: Umm…you sure about that?
Me: Oh yeah, yeah. I’m just super drunk right now
*Job interview*
“Im gonna need you to pee in this cup”
*hands boss full cup*
“Let’s start the interview”
*boss just sips it the whole time*
Can you imagine the pressure Morgan Freeman’s mom felt reading him a bedtime story?
Looking for someone willing to kill a man who has wronged me. Unfortunately I can’t pay but would be good exposure for an emerging murderer
Her: so, are you seeing anyone?
Me: nope, it’s just the voices.
A chia pet tampon so you can have a lil sheep for your troubles.
Michael Cera pretending to read the nutritional facts when his dad catches him struggling to open a jar of pickles
The “Beware of Cat” sign posted outside my house doesn’t seem to be having the desired affect.
My Dog: oh PLEASE please just give me a TASTE of your food just a MORSEL of that MEAL I’ve NEVER WANTED ANYTHING MORE
Me: *gives her a little bit*
My Dog: I have diarrhea
This morning I fixed the Keurig by violently shaking it upside down and suddenly all the other kitchen appliances started working correctly.
My wife claims watching me do karate “isn’t foreplay.” Why am I even alive.
if you’re ever worried there’s an intruder in your house, shout 69 down the stairs. if no one laughs, there’s no one there
Sure, I’ll load the dishwasher honey. What kind of ammunition does it use?
The hotel bartender said I couldn’t take my drink back to my room so I said, “But what if you just…let me?” and he didn’t have a real answer to that, so I’m in bed with my drink now.
It’s very rude to not refer to the manager at Burger King as “Your Majesty”.