A college girl sends a text to her BF who doesn’t respond “Could this night get any worse?” unaware that an alien fleet approaches earth
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me as a child: I want dinosaur chicken nuggets
me as an adult: I want dinosaur chicken nuggets
me on my death bed: I want dinosaur chicken nuggets
I cleaned out my teen’s room and I found 8 plates, 21 utensils, a TV remote, 8 chapsticks, a burner phone and apparently we have a cat.
Women who say giving birth is the worst pain imaginable, obviously never waited for a toddler to put on their own shoes.
I’m a little sad about my weight gain, but like they say, “suck it up, cup of butter.”
[skywriting]
Karen, do you have the checkbook? The skywriting guy won’t let me out of the plane until he gets his deposit.
Welcome to your 40s…no matter how badly you want to prove to your kid that you can still do a backflip…trust me, it’s not worth it.
Apparently my wife believes that if she didn’t tell me where to turn when I’m driving I’d just keep going straight until I hit an ocean.
[new tattoo]
them: cool! what is it?
me: it’s an abstract depiction of beauty; the juxtaposition of the lyrical and the grotesque[after 50 people have asked]
them: what is it?
me: it’s a squirrel
2019 – Go home, you’re drunk.
2020 – Get drunk, you’re home.
me: i just killed two birds with one stone 🙂
noah: you did WHAT
list of casinos I need to burn down in order to prevent my credit score from going to the dogs: ceaser palace, trump cube, chuck e cheese,
Mechanic: You’re ready to roll.
Me: I think I’d rather drive.
Remember: You are like a snowflake. Beautiful. Unique. White. Only here for a short time. People get mad when you sit on their cars.
“We’ll see” is Parentese for “No.”
Accidentally blurted out “skip intro” when someone wasn’t getting to the point.
COP: step outta the car
ME: k
COP: got any drugs on u
ME: nah
COP: how about the car
ME: wouldn’t surprise me. it’s been acting funny lately
Me ( handing a student a work packet mom requested): So where are you going next week?
6yo: Mario World
Me: Oh, I’ve never been there before.
6yo: Yeah, but we don’t have room in the car.
when super mario bros. was released in russia it was much less popular under the title “you are toilet man fight turtle monster”
I giveth, and I taketh away. Why? Because I recycleth.
There are poor, helpless kids in Africa who really need our help. But there’s also kids with machine guns so I’m not going.
Years ago, scientists knew barely anything about space! It was probably because those scientists were babies
Lets all agree,
having your cake and eating it too,
is the same damn thing.
*first day as medical examiner*
Me: What killed him?
Dr: Cancer
Me: And him?
Dr: Cancer
Me: And h– let me guess, cancer?
Dr: Nope. Sagittarius
ME [8:49PM]: on my way, taking a crab
GF [8:50PM]: u mean a cab
ME [8:52PM]: not exactly. be there in several days
You have $5 to build your city. Do you build it on:
– swampland $1000
– arable prairie $22000
– beachfront $33500
– rock $2
– roll $3
– rolling meadows $9500
friend: edible kick in?
me [washing my hands]: not yet
friend [turns on faucet]: you sure?
Whenever I’m willing to sell my soul, there’s usually food involved.
My Face ID only recognizes me if I’m chewing now.
I once lip locked the soft ice dispenser at Dairy Queen until the manager had to hit me with a mop. So I know a little bit about rejection.
who called it a dinosaur rap battle instead of a reptile diss function