Passing by a group of ladies:
*conversation stops*
Walking back by:
*conversation stops*Me *giddy* I take their breath away!
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There aren’t enough love songs about the moment you see your luggage appear at baggage claim.
Dolphin son: dad, how did you know mom was the one
Dolphin dad: the first time I met her we just clicked
Bully: [crying, arms shaking in exhaustion, knocks kid down a 32nd time]
10 y/o Chumbawamba: [gets up again]
At 7:00am I dropped my nail file on the floor, so I squatted down to pick it up… And at 7:20am I finally got up!!!
Unpopular opinion: I want bathroom scented candles to be called john wicks
I wish mirrors and cameras would get together and figure out what I really look like.
My screensaver is a screenshot of a bunch of spreadsheets so my boss doesn’t notice when I haven’t moved my mouse in an hour.
(pediatric emergency dept)
Me: what’s your name?
4yo boy: I wear size 11 dinosaur shoes and my socks are spiderman today, see? *takes off shoes, shows me socks*
Me: awesome, those are really cool
4yo boy: yeah, I know!
Mom: I promise he knows his name
I have a hard time telling the difference between 21 Dragons and Imagine Pilots.
I bet birds love this building.
Back to the gym after a lengthy hiatus and noticed they made everything heavier, weird
A typo so bad, they assume you speak German.
This red flag smells like chloroformZZZ.
“Hey, people who cover their mouth when they laugh; noone is trying to steal your teeth”, i hiss through my very normal amount of teeth.
‘They always talk to me like I’m an idiot.’
~dogs in therapy
[Scooby & the gang catch a regular guy]
“Let’s see who this ghost really is!”
No! Wait, I’m not-
[rip off face]
*gasps* “OLD MAN SKELETON?”
i am going as a ‘credit card’ to this halloween party, cause i plan on being used irresponsibly.
A Roomba that moans when it picks up trash.
Avoid being invited back to a party by showing up with a 25-gallon jug of lube and a box of rubber gloves.
Men’s 3-in-1 soap is for your hair, body, and car.
Demon: This is Hell’s library
-Seems…nice? Just looks like a library.
OPEN ONE!
-Ok *opens* This is in Comic Sans!
*cackles* They all are!
Life’s most terrifying 10 seconds: Being held hostage in the corner of the shower by cold water.
surprise your partner in the bedroom by loudly turning into a helicopter
People keep asking Me why I created mosquitoes. To bite you repeatedly and give you malaria, that’s why.
My neighbor and I stepped out at the same time, both of us dressed up for meetings. I nodded at him approvingly. He looked me up and down and grinned. I STILL GOT IT, I thought. Gave my presentation to 50 people. Get home only to realize my pants are inside out.
gas pump: see attendant
me: looks like i no longer need gas
[middle ages]
King: my soldiers should wear suits that is more protective
Queen: *are more
King: babe that is brilliant
[on trial for murder]
lawyer: have you ever eaten cereal with water
me: [sweating] I don’t see how that’s-
judge: answer the question
I have a kidney to donate. It’s not mine, so I don’t know much about it.
I have a magical ability to render my daughter instantly and completely deaf by simply saying the word “bedtime.”