LOL at vegetarians coming to my house for a BBQ! Feel free to eat my lawn.
L-O-L!
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Celebrating Easter by looking like I’ve been dead in a cave for the last 3 days
My reality check bounced, guess I’ll have to stay insane for the time being
No idea who she is but I want her to know I’m a huge fan and supporter of her work ✨
[coffee shop]
ME: [hanging up a flyer for my band]
CUTE GIRL: Is that your band?
ME: No it’s a flyer
My favorite pizza place burned down last night so I guess this is the beginning of my weight loss journey.
*Superman put glasses on Mt. Rushmore faces*
Lois Lane: “What the heck?? Who are those people up there?”
On our way back from hotel pool, door card doesn’t work. Francophone BF heads to reception to get new card and returns.
Him: Wow, there was a huge line up at reception but when I told them I had a wet girlfriend waiting at the door they all let me in..
why is every reddit relationships question like “i [F29] love my fiance [M34], except whenever we fight, he takes a dump in the living room, then makes me refer to his dump as ‘Mr. Hoskins’ and apologize to it. am i overreacting? our wedding is in 6 hours”
[amazon dropping off my order]
Me: yes! my new recliner arrived!
Cat: yes! my new scratch pad arrived!
Me:
Cat: Tomato Tomahto
My knight in shining armor comes in liquid form.
horse: is ur name liam
liam neeson: yea?
horse: lol i know u we worked together on a different movie
liam neeson: does anybody else hear this horse talking to me
[leading my blindfolded boyfriend through my messy apartment] isn’t this exciting babe?
Don’t make me mad or so help me, I will become the 70th like on all of your future tweets.
MAGICIAN: Now the woman is in the box, I will saw her in half!
EVERYONE: *gasps*
ME *whispers to wife* ok you were right, a magician at a funeral is weird
You know,this recliner and I go WAY back.
I’ll accept the consequences but in my defense, it was a double dare..
Judge: well in that case, I triple dog dare you 60 days in jail.
Wiggle is the best of all rooms.
It’s bullshit that dogs get their own heaven but we humans have to go to the same heaven as moths and tractors
Boss: You’re always late…
Me: You are totally obsessed with me aren’t you
I made some fish tacos last night.
the ingrates just ignored them and swam away
Son: I still dont get why people marry.
Me: Well son, when a man & woman love each other very much they make a series of horrible decisions
If you love them set them free but if you don’t love them this still works
Adam: Thank you for carrying me a great distance at speeds otherwise unimaginable to me. I shall call you “Horse”.
Horse: *getting excited* OooOooo okay thanks! It’s kinda basic, but I like it
Adam: and this twisted up sea crouton is also a horse
Horse: wait what the frick
Please don’t be curly
Please don’t be curly
Please don’t be curlyI pray to myself as I pull a hair from my mouth while eating Chinese food
My brother just found out he’s having another kid. He’s playing it pretty cool, but let’s see how his wife reacts when she finds out.
[shows up 2 hours late for interview]
Sorry I was trying to get out of a beanbag chair.
Umbrellas are cool because they keep 8% of you dry AND give you a big soggy stick to carry around all day!
Sign your kids up for sports so that they can get exercise, and drive-thru for dinner.