Spring is finally here. Time to clean the dog shit in the yard.
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My longest relationship has been with my Hotmail account.
I’m ‘confuses systems of measurement’ centimetres old.
an octopus is just a wet spider
Many people are shocked when they find out I’m not a good electrician.
I love getting phone calls telling me I won a prize for a contest I didn’t enter 🙄
4 asked me to play with her & I said I was making lunch & she yelled “IF YOU DONT I’LL ASK DADDY” & I was about to yell back when I realised it was a win for me so I said “ok ask daddy” but this made her suspicious so now we’re just staring at each other unsure what to do next
SIRI: Turn left in 100 feet
ME: [drives past turn]
SIRI: [exhales loudly in exasperation]
(invention of the crib)
put that baby in jail
Random kids playing in park. Their parents to each other.
They call it a Caesar salad because it’s as bad for your health as receiving 23 separate stab wounds.
I asked my 4 year old why he was heading into the garage and he casually replied, “don’t worry, dad, I’m just grabbing a hammer.” I know I should intervene, but part of me hopes he’s going to fix the loose baseboard in the hallway.
The date was going splendidly until my mom called and we argued over my curfew in front of her.
Signs that your pet dog might be a scorpion:
– Has six legs
– Fewer people want to pet it
– Responds to popular scorpion names like ‘Maurice’ or ‘Steve’
– Has a tail made of ouch
My dog Daisy, whom I love very much, just ate a check from a foundation for $50k. Most awkward email I’ve had to send in a long time.
Be kind to strangers. One of them could end up being your coroner.
I showed my husband a list of home improvement projects we could start this weekend, and after looking it over, he decided to stay in a hotel.
got an email from my bank saying “is your 401k enough to retire on” and it’s like you are my bank you know it is not
My biggest fears are:
-running out of chocolate
-running out of coffee
-running out of toilet paper
-running
In school they don’t teach you how to do taxes or that when a mysterious dusty window appears in your room you should NOT answer the raspy voice that drifts through it at 3AM
Doctor: “I need to draw some blood.”
Me: “Okay.”
Doctor: “Do you have a red crayon I could borrow?”
Most airlines will give you a complimentary bag of pretzels and a full can of soda, except for flights to Minneapolis. Those ones only serve mini sodas
me: pls don’t do that
kids: [do it anyway]
me: I told you not to do that
kids: are you new
Me: No!
Cake: You weren’t so shy the other night.
My wife doesn’t like me saying this but we “bumped uglies”* this morning.
*hit the neighbours’ kids with our car
I miss the days when you could talk about a brand and they didn’t talk back.
My driver’s license says I’m an organ donor but jokes on them because I have a piano.
A true Columbus Day sale in a mattress store would mean all the merchandise is infested with smallpox
I love eating my wife’s snacks because she seals them well and they stay crisp but if I eat more later, they’re no longer crisp because I didn’t seal them. So you see my dilemma.
Me: and this is my house
Friend: what’s upstairs
Me: stairs don’t talk
pirahna: my tooth is killing me
dentist:
pirahna: way in the back
dentist: how are u even out of water