I realized I was taking too long to get my toddler her food when she started growling at me
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I don’t know why they are called smart phones, I dropped mine in the toilet and it didn’t even try to get out.
I had to see these photos of somebody putting their sphinx cat in a wig and dress and now so do you.
Me: You’ll never take me alive.
Executioner: Yeah that wouldn’t make sense.
Beaver 1: our house has been flooded…
Beaver 2: dam
My daughter dries dishes like she is a rich lady in the witness protection program trying to integrate into a small midwestern town.
ATTENTION EVERYONE MONEY ORDERS ARE A SCAM THEY EXPECT YOU TO HAVE THE MONEY ALREADY YOU CANNOT ORDER IT
[alternate universe where vegetables enforce the law]
person: *sees a robbery* I’m calling the crops
Donald Duck, Yogi Bear, and Squidward stare longingly, faces pressed against the glass, at the pants in the store window.
“The contract,” Squidward says shaking his head.
“The contract,” Yogi and Donald reply sadly in unison.
I think I’m getting close to the age where sales people, internet and telemarketers think they can take advantage of you.
I can’t wait.
Gonna spend the day staring at the Sun. Eclipse practice.
All I’m saying is there’s no coincidence that Superheroes come in all forms and so does cheese.
“FOR [sound of robot-computer meltdown/Buckethead noise] PRESS 1
FOR [feint but audible screams of someone being chased in woods] PRESS 2”
Imagine if food was sports
No time to talk I have bacon tryouts today.
Shaved my legs and now I keep sliding off the bed.
Don’t eat sugar, don’t drink alcohol, don’t eat saturated fat, wear sunscreen, drink plenty of water, moisturize, and exercise….
And you’ll be the healthiest corpse in the morgue.
The wife says we have to eat all the stuff we’ve collected from fast food places tonight.
Looks like we’re having Taco Bell hot sauce, a bunch of salt & pepper, and a wet floor sign.
*chad kroeger walks through metal detector at airport*
TSA agent: I’ve never seen this low of a reading
He arrives mysteriously. Helps others, performs miracles, is betrayed, dies, is resurrected, and ascends into the heavens.
– E.T. (1982) PG
I got my followers the old fashioned way – with tranquilizer darts.
i’ve seen the new gif of a guy cutting his pasta with scissors like three times today. i am just putting this buster keaton clip out there to show you where he copped it from —
The Turkey took our temperature before he would come out of the oven!!!
Him: Do you want to watch a little TV?
Me: No. I want you to buy me a big one.
‘see you in hell’ so it’s a date?
When you wish you could tell someone that won’t stop talking “Okay we’re out of time today” just like a therapist.
[first date]
DATE: so you love dogs?
ME: yes, I relate to them very much
DATE: aww that’s swee-
[a fly buzzes my head and I try to bite it]
If I was ever asked to be a cheerleader I’d jump at the chants.
Jesus was white and spoke English and enjoyed baseball and apple pie and was a churchgoing Christian.
Palin: I’m seriously considering a presidential run.
Reporter: Do you even know what the word seriously means?
Palin: Don’t refudiate me.
Breaking news:
I’d say go to hell, but I don’t want to see you again.