Why do I keep seeing ads for yaks on my screen when I bought mine months ago?
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Dating tip: Men always remember the woman who vomited on them.
My son plays this game where he’s a bowling ball and the bowling pins are everything we own.
“africanized killer bees” are trending so it’s a good time to mention that Killer Bees are literally an escaped scientific experiment gone wrong, like in the movies
The worst part about crapping my pants at work was having to set the ACCIDENT FREE sign back to zero days in front of everybody.
Standing behind a hot guy on a treadmill saying ‘don’t worry baby, I’ll catch you if you fall’ makes him run for a really really long time
Bylaws shmylaws I’m digging a moat.
Because I didn’t know any better, I always sang “bowels of holly” as a kid.
we’re going out of town in a week if anyone can watch the dinosaurs for us
[Dating in 2009]
ME: Who’s your favorite serial killer?
HER: I’m calling the police.[Dating in 2019]
ME: Who’s your favorite serial killer?
HER: Oh my gosh, how do you pick just one, right? Hahaha!
Santa saw your nudes and he’s getting you moisturizer, and a good razor.
A geneticist’s refrigerator has a CRISPR drawer
If you don’t think Colorado needs a wall then you’ve never met someone from Wyoming
“it’s the thought that counts” doesn’t include showering. You have to actually do that.
Today I was on the treadmill for over an hour. I was so pleased with my progress that tomorrow I might actually turn it on
I wonder how many medieval chefs were executed because the king’s food taster had food allergies
Can we go skydiving on our first date? I want to hear what you sound like when you think you might die.
-me, flirting
Sure you can call me lazy but do you know how many days I HAVE gotten out of bed? Thousands
The “quarantine 15” refers to the 15 pounds people have gained since the quarantine started.
I’m well into my third quarantine then.
So Nicolas Cage and John Travolta walk into a bar and the bartender says “hey, why the wrong face?”
I don’t know why hair extensions are exclusive to women, I want to look like a centaur
[3rd date]
Kate: You wanna come back to mine for coffee?
Ian: Sure!
Kate: Have you got any condoms?
Ian: Do you not know how to make coffee?
Jay-Z is actually the 26th generation of the Jay family, which dates back to the middle-ages, when Jay-A invented rap.
My 8-year-old just offered me leftover cashews from his lunch, asking “Do you want these nuts?” and I’m not mature enough to be a parent.
Everyone has at least one closet that feels like it was set up by Kevin McCallister in Home Alone.
I just opened the closet to get the vacuum cleaner and a muffin tin fell on my head, two sheet pans landed on my feet and a broom handle tipped out and impaled me in the stomach.
[dating game]
GIRL: contestant #1 tell me how u would woo me
ME: woo like in duck tales woo woo or a different type of woo?
G: contestant #2
“do you have any pets”
[remembers girls like sensitive guys] a cat
“what’s his name”
[remembers girls also like tough guys] missile launcher
My daughter left for work & asked me to hide the last piece of her cake she made yesterday from her sister & her dad, but who’s going to hide it from me?
Whoever named He-Man was doing the very least
[walking somewhere]
My cat: I’M GOING TO GET THERE FIRST!!
I’m ready for Halloween this year