Fairies dart around the room to collect eraser shavings of mistakes you’ve made from the day. “I can’t carry anymore”, complains one. “How can this all be from ONE person?!” cries another, sweating profusely.
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a lot to unpack here
“But I can’t conquer China, it’s way too big…”
Now Genghis, what do I always say?
*Sighs*
“I’m Genghis Khan, not Genghis Khan’t”
I don’t think this app is working properly, I’m like barely getting any matches.
Playdough smells better than other philosophers
I used the guest towels to dry the dog after his bath if you were wondering what I’m getting yelled at about today
Lassie once told me a boy fell down a well, but since no one else can speak dog I ignored it because I was building a furniture fort.
My dental hygienist is probably thinking, I bet i could braid this guys nose hair.
What doesn’t kill a grammar nazi makes me wronger.
I don’t know Pete Davidson, but I’ve heard of his dad Harley.
White Castle for the Win
My parents just called.
M+D: We started watching Captain America Civil War from the middle.
ME: You should watch it from the beginning?
M+D: It came on TV and we caught it halfway through.
ME: Okay.
M+D: Real quick – why are they all at the airport fighting each other?
Remember, fellow outdoorsy types: an odd number of rattles means the snake is delighted to see you; an even number says you should probably stay away.
Remember that time when you didn’t call, & a giraffe round house kicked your neck, & you fell off a merry-go-round & died?
So sad. Really.
What you want every COVID-19 email to be like: Don’t worry! If you’re having trouble paying right now, we understand.
What every COVID-19 email is actually like: Don’t worry! There will always be someone at our call center to take your timely monthly payments.
[first date]
her: i love mysterious guys
him: good
me: [in the bushes] good
ME: I can understand why, it’s so silky and luxurious.
THEM: Huh? I said I worship Satan.
ME: Oh. I thought you said “satin.”
Stop sexualizing Facebook going down, those are people’s grandparents
[15:00]
I’m not really feeling this edible.[15:30]
*trying to order chinese food from starbucks*
I decided to tell the kids that Santa is made up but nighttime home invasions are very very real.
Me: Evil always thinks it’s doing right
My boss: I am just asking you to put your air-pods away for the meeting!!!
when i go to an improv show and they ask for a suggestion i always scream out “don’t do any improv”
“OMG! We broke up years ago. Which was, like, 100% your choice. And I’m still the first thing you talk about. To. Like. Everyone.”
— Gluten
“ANYWAY” — me when I’m about to keep talking about the thing I’ve been talking about for the last ten minutes
It is a truth universally acknowledged that no two people have the same interpretation of the words “We need to leave in ten minutes.”
My daily affirmation
The first rule of bread making club is you only talk about it on a knead to dough basis.
detective: there are hundreds of footprints at this crime scene
crooked centipede cop: [sweating] must have been a hundred murderers
I bought a round area rug from IKEA, and these instructions not only saved me hours of confusion, they really helped me plan my weekend
*Pizza Hut job interview*
“Do you own a shitty car and smoke pot?”
No sir.
“You will.”