LEAD ARCHAEOLOGIST: Okay, the bones are fragile, so we want to brush very gently and remember not to, say, put them in our mouths or anything.
DOG ARCHAEOLOGIST: I can tell you’re talking about me and that’s offensive.
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All my friends asking me for a #PS5 😂
ME: Off to the concert with my friends
WIFE: Say hi to everyone for me[later]
ME [individually saying hi to 10,000 ppl] This is exhausting
Find everything OK, sir?
Everything except happiness!
You won’t find that at Wal-Mart!
We laughed & laughed until my credit card declined
Google Maps places way too much faith in my ability to find my destination on my left in 800ft
Me: . . . and why’s it called Ireland, anyway? Are they irate because their patron saint was Scottish, and never actually drove any snakes out?
Priest: *grabbing mic* does anyone have anything to say about the DEPARTED?
My GPS told me to drive up an off-ramp to get onto a highway going the wrong direction so I’m going to pass on getting into a self-driving car, thanks.
Barber: “so you’re thinking like an inch off the top?”
Me: “I have absolutely no idea how to answer that question.”
As a new homeowner, I was excited to learn how to do carpentry, plumbing and electrical work. And now that I’ve destroyed it, does anyone want to buy a house?
I can’t decide whether or not I should do laundry or just buy another hamper.
me when my friends ask me to look after their kids
“Sorry, kids, put them back in the car. I guess you can grab the frisbee while you’re there.”
employer: what skills do you possess that would make you suitible for this position?
me: I possess the skill that will make all your other employees look perfect by comparison
“I hope they bought enough beer so they won’t notice how much I’m drinking”
-My prayer as I pull into my parents driveway
If you call me hysterical, you better mean funny cuz I keep my knives sharp.
Me: You a good personal trainer?
Him: You bet your emotionally distant dad I am.
Me: [through tears] Wow, that’s personal. You’re hired.
Made it five weeks at my new job before anyone saw my underwear
As a little girl I dreamt of being Belle so I could have that beautiful yellow gown- As a grown woman I want to be Belle so I can be locked away in an enchanted castle where the dishes clean themselves.
My husband needs a hearing aid but refuses to get one because it’s the key to our happy marriage.
HAHA! Answer your phone silly. I called you like 18 times.
-I say as I climb through your window
If Minnie Driver married Bradley Cooper her name would be oh god I can’t even finish this one
Putting 7 to bed and she started asking me questions about having babies. I answered as well as I could for her level and was feeling quite pleased with myself. I told her she could ask me anything so naturally her next question was how do shipwrecks happen.
the eldest child I nanny (she’s 5) has a game where she sits us all in a circle and gives us each a coin with a sticker on one. anyways if we flip our coin and it lands sticker-side-up we have to touch the dead bee she keeps under her bed in a tupperware.
When I was 12, I asked a boy at school out. He said he had a girlfriend, but when they broke up I could be his next girlfriend and tbh I’m still waiting.
I’m swilling port like a British butler who had a rough afternoon at the races.
#BadTimeTravelAdvice Plague, shmlague. 13th century Europe is where it’s at!
I’m listening, but this 5-year-olds ‘polka-dotted dinosaur astronaut’ story better have a point
What we need is more companies making hot sauce. I need 900 more ways to taste a thing that tastes exactly like all the other ones.
Imagine if songbirds sang real songs and you got to hear WHOOMP THERE IT IS every morning
this pandemic has been really hard on those of us who are hotter in person