Me: Dishwasher’s broken.
16: I’m sorry.
Me: Did you break it?
16: No, I meant, like, “I’m sorry for your loss.”
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Time to stuff a zucchini. I won’t say where.
Love that person who tells me to ‘take a drink of water’ when I’m CHOKING ON WATER.
Charlie Brown grew up to become a good grief counselor
babies gremlins
🤝getting wet after midnight makes more
Surgeon: I’ll be taking out your appendix today
Me: [stomach rumbles]
Surgeon: [puts stethoscope to my tummy]
Appendix: I have a boyfriend
Hey everyone, my mom’s following me on Twitter now, so ixnay on all the eetstway about the ugsdray and exsay and acismray. Thanks
Do I speak Spanish?
Oui!
[Watching halftime show]
ME: I hope I look as good as Jlo when I’m 50.GIRLFRIEND: You don’t look that good now.
ME: Yeah I’m not 50 yet.
Today I noticed there is a newish gym right across the street from my office and thought “hey maybe I would work out between meetings” so I googled it. $230 a month. I laughed and laughed and laughed. Enough that it was probably an ab workout.
*bites zombie*
Sometimes I pretend I’m picking up lunch for the office even tho the KFC workers can clearly see me eating that bucket in their parking lot.
If I had a dollar for anytime a man said he was in love with me I would definitely be homeless
Doctor: You have acute appendicitis.
Me: And you have a cute face. Drinks?
Remembering the year my son sent me a Mother’s Day card saying ‘you’re like a mother to me.’
What do you mean they lied? Pfft. You can’t lie on the internet.
[wedding]
i wrote my own vows *removes paper*
“chickety china the chinese chicken”
whoops wrong one *2nd paper*
“if i had $1,000,000”
[me, from cold stone] launch the missiles
Evil villain: You can run but you can’t hide!
Me: That’s where you’re wrong pal. *out of breath* I can’t do either
Why do people say tunafish, rather than just tuna?
Is that to differentiate from the tunacow and tunagiraffe?
You don’t need to have a falcon to wear a falconry glove. People will just assume the falcon is out.
When you marry someone with the same sense of humor as yours you have to deal with the consequences, like when I asked my wife to put on an outfit I haven’t seen yet and she walks out in my gym clothes.
I haven’t cleaned my shower in so long, it’s becoming a terrarium. Absolutely gorgeous.
Why does Mommy always say no?
Well Son, if Mommy said yes all the time you’d have 20 more siblings.
#Friyay
Tinder but it matches people that don’t know what they want for dinner with people who will decide what they get for dinner.
[whispering] don’t tell mom or dad but I killed a hiker and stashed the corpse in a hollow log. we can snack on it later
My daughter once summarized a 10 minute story in 4 hours.
I deep cleaned the carpet so now I guess we’ll live outside.
“That looks shiny and clean, I’m gonna touch it a lot.”
– Kids
Them: Oh, you only need a few pounds of tannerite 👌🏼
*Decision made
I was thinking of being narsysistic.
But I can’t spell it.
So I’m going to be vein.